Never let this go

I think sharing pictures of our children and life here in Usa River is important. But I must always be careful because I don't want to ever exploit our children for my own benefit. Its important to me that I don't just put up pictures of nameless faces. But rather, I want to show you these children as they are; named, loved, character, personality, struggles and successes. It bothers me when people stroll into our baby home and stay for one hour(or less!) to get the "cute picture with the orphans" but don't take any time to really get on the floor and play with our children or feed our children or whatever. I realize that some of these groups have a limited schedule. But taking video or pictures for your own gain is sad. This happened yesterday and I actually started to cry (I'll admit that I am a little tired these days and kinda' stressed). I love the groups who come in and forget all about the camera for a while and just love on our children. THAT is what we should all do. Pictures are good. But satisfying the human condition is better. I digress...

So, now that I have ranted about pictures and babies... look at the picture of Rosie above! (I know, I know, the irony is not lost on me!!!!). After much effort on the part of her parents, Rosie has FINALLY been able to go home! Adoption can be such a struggle, but when you love your child you just never let it go and you fight for them. To the left is Rose's biological father, who along with his brother and Rose's grandfather, made the difficult decision to allow her to be adopted by her mother and father (center and right). Its so special that so many people love her and worked SO HARD to get the best for her. Anyway, we are so grateful to God that this worked out for everyone. Congratulations Jonathan & Rahema on your new baby girl. I won't write about her anymore because she is all yours to love and to share as you see best!

Misery Business

Pole Jacob!

Our sweet little boy has been enduring walking pneumonia. He had gotten pretty bad and the tears started to flow. Batilda, our wonderful nurse, decided that the best way to treat him would be to open a direct line and get antibiotics directly into his blood stream. The picture below shows the port where she and our volunteer Ashley (a recent nursing graduate) would administer doses of antibiotics. Jacob was a real trooper. He didn't try to pull out the line and none of the other children would mess with it. They would only say "Shaeeee, Shaeeeee, pole! Pole Jacob. " or they would say "owey, Jacob. Jacob sick." (Pole means 'sorry'.)



Luckily, our little Jacob has recovered. No more harsh wheezing. No more fever. No more miserable times. It may seem a little bit of overkill to open access on a child that should be in bed, under a humidifier, oral meds, and tons of vapor rub. But in this situation, where each adult is in charge of 7 or 8 children, even our children with pneumonia won't get the same attention as they would at home. But our children are so resilient! It makes sense why they don't fight things as complicated as IV's. When you are fighting for your life everyday, you cooperate with the things that keep you alive. I don't mean to be dramatic. Its just the honest truth. Would your child run around with a port in his hand and act like nothing was wrong? Something to think about.

And on another side note of misery, please PRAY for our little Happy girl. I am now at the end of week 5 here at Cradle, and I was bothered by the fact that little Happy wasn't getting any bigger. After two days of hemming and hawwing with myself, I finally asked our nurse to weigh her. I had a hunch that Happy wasn't gaining weight. You can image my sad surprise to see that Happy had LOST over 1 kilo which equated to almost 2.5 lbs! We've been struggling for two days to get extra formula and food in her. But she is now refusing some of her food. She goes for tests tomorrow. Pray pray pray for our little Happy. She is over 7 months old and only 9 lbs. WE MUST GET HER WELL!!

Let the flames begin

My throat is on fire.  You all know how much I struggle with allergies and asthma.  Its a constant battle I fight in the states under normal, healthy conditions.  But I am finding that here, now working on week 5 of my 25 week stay, I am uncomfortable.  Luckily, I brought enough pharmaceuticals to get me by.  But I wasn’t expecting to be hitting them so hard, so early!  Who knew that smoke would be drifting into my window 2 times a day? I understood it would be dusty…. but holy man!  So, I thought I would make a list of things I might like to have Stanley bring (if he can!) when he comes in August.  There are more than pharmaceuticals on the list.  And if it doesn’t work out, its no big deal. But since everyone keeps asking, I thought I would create a simple list.

For Babies:  Nappy rash cream, a few cloth nappies, anti-fungal creams, medicine dropper. NO CLOTHES AND NO TOYS PLEASE.

For Shae:  Cough Medicine (adult target brand works great because the stuff I bought here is SOOOO gross)

zyrtec (it makes me sleepy, but is better than the allergy meds I brought- and generic works fine ),

airborne ( I think I have extra in my storage unit…it would be in the red medicine tool box), and

my pink flat iron (Susan and Chad have this at their house.  I know its frivolous, but a little frivolity is nice sometimes!).

Things are going ok here.  I am currently frustrated working in the office.  There is more work to do and no training to do it.  The other volunteers here only had one day with the director before she left for the states, so they were a limited resource and now they have returned home. Can you imagine preparing information for adoptions, running payroll, shopping for an orphanage, answering all visitor questions, organizing volunteers, pick up, paperwork,  and showing them the ropes of an orphanage, telling the staff what they can and should be doing because they are asking your permission to do it, and answering the phones and emails that come in from outside organizations, plus doing immigration paperwork and signing your name to it as an authority to do so? AND ALL WITHOUT TRAINING AND ALL IN THE FIRST WEEK????

Its sometimes tough here.  The culture shock alone could have been overwhelming, much less the added responsibility of running the orphanage. And you all know that I am physically incapable of doing anything half-ass!  So, I will just keep plugging away and make magic happen… like I always do!  

Laters dudes. I am going to take some more dayquil and hope for the best!

~Shae

Keep dreaming upside down

My life is not so different from anyone else's. I mean, can't you relate to these comforts of home? Lets take a pictorial journey together.

I mean, just look at my electrical plug. Adapters and a power switch on the actual plug? You have that, right?


A porcelain toilet? Now that looks familiar, yes? How about the two optioned, push-buttoned flush? Everyone's got that at home! Completely normal.

And since we are on the subject of gadgets and appliances, how about this hot-plate stove? Who needs coils and glasstops when we've got rust and degrees in Celsius?!?!

Have you seen my newest creation in chakula (food- for all you westerners)? Well, its important to make one meal a week that feels like something from home. So here is my mac and cheese. What? You can't read the arabic on my 'cheese in a can'? What's wrong with you people? Everyone knows arabic. You need to sue your school.



And the way that it just mixes so well with the pasta? Scrumptious.



So, lets talk sleep and upkeep. I love how my skin is changing colors, all on its own. I mean, I can scrub and scrub and scrub, and that rich brown color just won't leave the bottom of my feet. Its so cool. I never knew you could tan the heels of your feet by just walking.



My apartment is so well protected by the gate and the guard. Just look out of my window. I'm living like royalty! And speaking of looking out of my window, check out my bed. I bet you wish you had mosquito nets covering you while you sleep!!!




But I have to confess that my favorite things here that TOTALLY remind me of home are the things that we all have lying around the house that come in a bottle....




Ahhhhhhh, just like home.

Note to self# 6 - Its ok to find humor in unfamiliar and uncomfortable things. Because to laugh about it, means that its ok. And my life is more than ok. Keep swinging with the unfamiliar, Shae. You might come to love all that which you thought you were here to change.


Please leave comments below or email me sometime. I love to get messages from home.

Just like me

She is so beautiful.

I just cannot put into words the instant attraction I have to all of our children here. This little one you see with me is Happy. And her name, as we understand its definition to be in American English, completely fits her personality. She is so tiny and delicate. And I don't use delicate as a word to invoke emotion. I literally mean that at any time, her tiny little bones feel like they are going to snap off! She is so so so so little. She barely weighs anything (it feels like maybe 6 kilos) and I have to confess that I almost dropped her one afternoon. She was laying across my lap and she was cooing at a toy. Two toddlers were fighting and rolling all over a baby at my feet. I quickly leaned down to break up the two and all of the sudden, I realized Happy was pinching my t-shirt, and REALLY TIGHT! She is so lightweight, that when I bent down to help avoid an injury to the little one under the two toddlers, that I nearly sailed Happy off of my lap! Luckily, she is so bright and such a little fighter, that she grabbed my shirt with her little miniature hands, and held on for dear life! Her body feels like a 4 week old. Its crazy. But, although her body be small, her spirit is big. Just like me! Ok, NOT just like me. My body is not small, but my spirit is big. We have that in common.

When I arrived here, there was a volunteer returning home. The volunteer's name is Rachel, and Happy was "her baby". I didn't fully understand it at the time...but I do now. Rachel had a hard time returning Happy to nannies on that morning of her departure. Her tears said everything that I understand now, that I couldn't have possibly understood then... and will understand better in a few months. So, Rachel, if you are reading this, just know that your baby girl is doing so well! I try to hold little Happy everyday. I give her love in the form of snuggles, kisses, nappy changes, and feedings. We moved babies over from the nursery into the big house, but Happy is still the smallest of our babies. Rachel, I really try to watch out for her. And I know that she is doing great! I can just imagine what that ride to the airport was like for you. Just know that your love for her has helped shape her into the beautiful little creature that I get to hold and love on daily. She was a gift for you while you were here. And I am "happy" to watch over your little gift and keep you posted! Here are a few more pictures. I challenge you all not to cry. She is so darn cute!

If it does not exist

I love a good party. I love the gathering of people. I love the fun food. I LOVE the cake. And I love the memories of the fun day. But what I do not love? I do not love the disruption of schedule. I'm a schedule girl. As much as I am a spontaneous and can pack up and go anywhere (obviously!), I still love to know what comes next. And I am especially schedule oriented when it comes to children. Now, I don't think that you should have a child so rigid that you can never deviate from that schedule. But children need boundaries and expectations and a schedule plays into that.

WELL, a lovely couple in the community decided that for their son's 1st birthday, they would have a party incorporating the children here at Cradle of Love. The arrangements were made and I was brought into the tail end of all the planning. The party did not start or stop in the allotted time we had planned. It took longer to decorate, longer for the mass of people to arrive, and longer for the food to get going. I was stressing a little as Moma Musa and I discussed the right decisions we had to make for our children to get them fed, and changed and to their naps at the appropriate time. Eventhough we got the littlest babies settled, the older ones ate a little later, played a little longer, and skipped their naps this afternoon (well, the ones who didn't just fall asleep on the mat outside!). And as much as I worried about this, I had to just let it go. Because you know what? Children have birthdays. We celebrate. We make it special. And we deviate from the schedule. Its what childhood memories are made of. Its life's right of passage.

And I realized something today. These children don't get traditional birthday parties. They don't have deviations from the schedule. They don't get the luxury of sweets at grandma's house and the gathering of many people in celebration. And I realized that we MUST allow the party to continue--as long as it needed to today-- because if it did not exist, than these children would never have these wonderful memories. And these are important memories that you and I take for granted! So party, we did. And I don't regret any of it.

My hope is that one day these children will look back on days like today and relive a happy memory. My favorite party was when I was 10 and my best friend's parents had a cookout and we swam in the pool, and at 17 where i had a surprise cake after choir rehearsal, and 18 at Jeremy's house with all my friends, and the day I left the firm and we had a big luncheon. What was your favorite party? Aren't you glad someone took the time to throw you one?

Note to self #5 - Schedules are good. Making fun memories are better.

Here are a few more pictures from the party. The children had so much fun!

Hallelujah

You see the little face to the right? Her name is Rahema and she is 9 days old. She appears to be very healthy and she is settling in nicely at our nursery. The hospital where she was born referred her to us as her mother passed away only 4 days ago. Her mother was just 20. And she had AIDS.

I know a lot of you have been catching up with me as I have had a lot of personal strife going on over the last week. But take a long look at the little princess in the picture and you will see why I don't care about the "other stuff." You all fight for me so that I can fight for little ones like her. And I appreciate it so much. I don't know what is going to happen in the future for her. We will get her medical report in time. But for right now I will focus on her and all the other little ones at our home.

Today was so unexpected. I got to witness a family making the decision to allow their child be placed for adoption. I am sure that this is a scenario I will witness on multiple occasions over my 6 months here at Cradle. But today, it was my first time, and I will never forget this as long as I live. Two uncles before two adoptive parents. Two families making the hard decisions and doing what is best for a little girl. Cradle of Love is a great place. The nannies do a good job and the volunteers are so dedicated. No child is without love. That is obvious. But as great as we are, it is still an orphanage. And this little girl deserves more than what we can offer her. My hope is that her adoption all works out.

So, it was really cold here today. The nannies kept the children inside for the morning to play. They all sat on the floor and started to sing. It was EXACTLY like every African song you have ever heard in any movie or on any television show. The harmonies were impeccable. Carrie, remember that yellow Jabula CD that you had that I used to play for Caroline? It was like I was in the recording studio hearing it being recorded live. I had JUST taken my camera upstairs so I didn't get any of it on record. Next time, I will record some and play it here for you. Amazing.

I need to take some more pictures but everytime I am with the babies, I am so busy feeding or holding that I don't have time to take pictures. I will promise to take some this weekend.

Got nothing but time on our hands

I know that I shouldn't complain. About anything. And I'm not complaining. I'm just sharing...with annoyance and disdain. So, I have adjusted to life here just fine. But food is such a tough task to tackle! Because, let's say for instance, I wanted to make chili. Back in the 1st dimension, I would just grab a can or two of my favorite bean(s), throw it in a pot, stir in some stewed tomatoes, chop up an onion for flavor, add some salt, some chili powder, turn on the stove top, and Voila' .... 20 minutes later you have CHILI! If I was feeling carnivorous, I would brown up some beef and throw that in too! But, that fast 30 minute chili days are over. Let me explain how things work over here in 3rd world....

1. Walk your happy self to the market.
2. Meander through the dirty, crazy, loud market. (I dare not take pictures. Do you want me to be camera-less for the whole 5 months?)
3. Haul my vegetable loot home in black plastic bags.
Its more stealth that way.

4. Take out my handy-dandy vial of potassium wash (it staves off Montezuma's revenge!).
5. Soak my happy loot in purple potassium.
6. Store, cut, or cook them on my glorified hot plate!
7. Assess what I can add to them.... if the bugs haven't gotten to my shelf yet.

The whole process literally takes hours. Beans have to be washed, soaked, washed again, and boiled for a few hours. Veggies have to be washed, soaked, dried, stored, or cut and cooked. Fruits have to be soaked, rinsed, and quickly eaten or they go bad. And all open items on my shelf have to be checked daily to make sure the ants, weavels, and other unidentified bugs haven't found a way through the ziplock!

Its an interesting life over here. I get home from feeding the babies around 6 or 6:30. Then I start the harrowing process of making a meal. No microwaves. No meals in a box, can, crate, or dish. Only me, my vegetables, a bread knife (can't find a paring knife ANYWHERE here!), some random canned goods, and Nutella. Thank God for the Nutella. Anyway, I usually don't eat until 7 or 7:30. And by then I am exhausted. But WAIT! No dishwasher. But plenty of bugs. So to the sink, I will go, and wash dishes.... again. Yay. I'm so glad I have all this time on my hands! :)

Note to self # 4. Always appreciate your appliances. Be nice to them because you will miss them when they are gone.

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

*UPDATE TO BLOG ORGINALLY POSTED* The following blog is not meant to slander, libel, or otherwise characterize the Make it Count Foundation, Inc. or Small Steps for Compassion. In no way has any funds submitted through the Make it Count Foundation, Inc. website, intended for my use, been denied me. The Make it Count Foundation, Inc. has not and will not deny any contribution through their website on my behalf. It is the intention of this blog to be an avenue for me to express my feelings and experiences while a world away from home. The formal omission of the organization(s) names was done in effort to protect their rights and interests to the unknown. The above stated in underlined blue is the position I have only represented and have not claimed otherwise. As originally stated in the blog, I encourage respect to all parties.

I can honestly say that I don't know how to start this blog. I added the above picture of the happy-go-lucky-me as a reminder of truly who I am and a reminder that everything is ok. The picture is from a fun cruise I took a little over a year ago. And I will try to go to that place in my head as I start this difficult entry.

Three days after my arrival, I was informed by my organization at home, that I am not now, nor was I ever, a volunteer missionary for them. They take the position that I came here to Tanzania on my own accord, and that as an organization, they are not responsible for offering me any physical, financial, or emotional support.

I am, in essence, half-way around the world without any affiliation or entity from the states looking out on my behalf. To say that this is a scary situation to be in, would be an understatement.

I know many of you have checked out their website and have seen my profile. Some of you have donated and have pledged to donate while I am here in Tanzania. I believe that the organization is going to change my profile to reflect that I am not here in Tanzania working on their behalf. Or they may opt to remove it altogether. I don't know what is going to happen with that. This is their decision to make. I ask that you discontinue your plans to donate through their website as it is no longer appropriate.

I know many of you will have questions about this situation. I have been scratching my head for days now trying to figure out what in the world just happened! But let me assure you, I am not angry at anyone. I am only devastated by the situation. I will privately answer your questions as much as I can. My only statement now is that although I am blindsided and dumbfounded, I will not speak badly of the individuals involved. I deserve respect for my efforts here in Tanzania. And I believe the organization does too. Just know that I need your support now more than ever. I am feeling abandoned about now. And for the sake of disclosure, the organization is fully aware that I am telling people. Its a blog . Obviously, everyone can see so I gave them the respect of telling them that I was going to let people know.

Satan is using those closest to me and this project to test to see when I will give up. And over the last three years I keep saying "if one more bad thing happens, I know that I am going to break." But every time, EVERY TIME, God's people (that's you!) lift me up and remind me that I am not done and that I can't stop. So right now, for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic! Let's do this already.

Everything has changed

When I was a child I lived on an old campus that was, at one time in history, composed of a nursing home, a church, a farm, and many families. Although the farm, nursing home, and families had long gone, my parents moved there to reestablish this once thriving community and to restore the church. So every sabbath morning I would take the LONG walk across my front yard and step into the church for sabbath service. It was the shortest walk anyone ever had to take to worship, but I loved to tell people I "walked" to church for the uniqueness of it. Well, today, I can say that I honestly walked to church. And it was the most amazing experience. The music was acapella and so beautiful. The service was in Swahili, but Sabbath School was in English. They actually had the English SS class canceled today, but after seeing Renate and myself there, they quickly put it together and we enjoyed a rich discussion about Paul and Romans with 25 people in attendance. It was truly beautiful. I feel my life changing with every single second and this was just one small part.

I forgot to tell you guys... I saw Mt. Kilimanjaro yesterday. You cannot always see it but we were at the market and it just broke through the clouds. It was so much prettier than any picture can capture. You all MUST visit. Tanzania is, so far, a magical, magical place. God is sooooo good!

I have attached some more pictures of our walk. I have also attached pictures of the gate to our compound and the signs outside that tell people who we are.

~Shae

Decode

Day 4: It wasn’t great. But it wasn’t horrible either. I changed a cloth nappie today for the first time in 15 years! I don’t think that the nannies like me doing it because if I don’t do it right, they will have a mess to clean up and that is not good. I wish that we had better nappies. We use dishtowels. Some of the babies get very chaffed. But its cheap so that is what is used. We have no diaper rash cream for the big kids. Some of the babies have scars on their genitals from severe rash that has now left its mark. But we do not live in America where everything is at your fingertips. Diaper cream is not cheap. The other volunteers told me to get a thick skin before helping with the newborns and infants. They say that their diaper rash is often to the point of bleeding. And that we have to just accept it.

I don’t want to ever accept it. But I must. Americans are spoiled and have NO IDEA how things are done in the rest of the world. We turn our heads because its Africa. I came here… because its Africa. America is rich and spoiled. I don’t want to be another spoiled American.

So today I got devastating news. I wanted to get in a dark place and question what I am doing here. How did I get to this place of problems? It’s the type of news that would send most people packing and on a plane to the States. But not me. Sara and Susan are an amazing support system and encourage me when all I should do is give up. So I didn’t.To them, and to God, all credit is given.

Note to self - # 2: People will disappoint me. But friends are more than people. And I need to make sure that I affirm them because my life is incomplete without them and they never disappoint.

The other volunteers here at Cradle of Love are amazing support also. Two are leaving tomorrow. The remaining three are leaving in a few weeks. So all six of us piled into a cab the size of a Toyota Corrolla (that’s 7 people with the driver!) and went to dinner in Arusha. Then we went to a place that can only be described as part Tiki, part café, part music lounge, and part traditional bar, which adds up to 100% WHAT I NEEDED THIS EVENING! I cannot describe this place other than saying that it is one of the coolest, most chill places I have ever been. It was filled with young volunteers, and young local residents. It was great. I absolutely loved it and absolutely needed it after the emotionally traumatizing morning I had. And I have to admit that much of our time out together was spent talking about the babies.

The above photos include two Germans, three Americans, one Dutch, and one Tanzanian. Its badventist approved and United Nations happy

~Shae

Compares to a quiet evening alone

Please watch the following video. It is even hard for me to believe that these little 15 lb. creatures can execute chores so diligently and precisely. Parents, I will NEVER again believe that your child is "too young." Rubbish.

I have clean clothes again. After 19 hrs of flying, three days of drool, snot, and food, and no shower, I was so happy to get out of my jeans and t shirt and into CLEAN clothes. Aaahhh.

Today I saw my life flash before my eyes in the form of a dala dala. The dala dala is a toyota van stuffed with (literally) 15 Africans, 1 German, and 1 American (that was me!). We went to a new market because the volunteers that are here are leaving soon and I will be all alone to figure things out. They want me to be used to the market and the culture. Its a lot to take in over such a short period of time. I wanted to take pictures, but have shied away from photos as I am still trying to "blend in." Yeah, right! I am 5'8" and I outweigh most of the men here. Oh, and I'm white. There's that.

We seem to only have internet in the middle of the night, so I need to put this away and go to sleep. Oh so tired. But babies need me so I must get my beauty rest!