Have a nice Shae

A NEW BLOG FOR A NEW LIFE

2010-12-15T23:00:00.002+03:00

Dear readers:

Please visit http://bytheshae.blogspot.com for new updates on my life. I decided that I wanted to preserve this blog for my travels and experiences in Tanzania. And my life and experiences in the United States should be chronicled at a different site. So, please visit my new blog "by the Shae" for all updates on life back in Florida. Thank you for being a faithful reader over these last 6 months. I have really enjoyed walking this journey with you.

~Shae

The last one.

2010-12-10T07:37:00.003+03:00

5 Months. 3 weeks. 1 day.

Wow. I can't believe it. Its here. The last day. Where did all that time go? How do I even start this blog? I have had the last three blogs planned but due to major power outages and the overscheduling of my last days, I have been unable to create. But this one--the last one-- is here and needing to be done.

And my mind is chaos and confusion. What can I possibly write?

A big Thank You to Davona, Tanja, Renate, Rachel, Kimberlie, Ilse, Maxi, Ashley, Eileen, Carolyn, Danielle, Anika, Kezia, and Dolly. You ladies have supported and changed my life in ways you will never know. I am so proud to serve with you and all the other countless short term and day volunteers. We are the legacy. We couldn't be successful without the nannies. But the nannies couldn't be successful without us.

Ok, so now that that is out of the way, there is really only one thing left to blog and I don't really want to type it. I have to talk about the babies. And I have to say goodbye.

I knew that when I came to Tanzania it would be a life changing experience. I knew that I would fall in love. I knew that I would be frustrated at times. And I also knew that the frustrations would be covered over by unending joy. So I can happily proclaim that all my expectations have come true. Everything that I knew about myself and everything that I knew would change has happened. But just because all my predictions came to fruition, doesn't make my leaving any easier.

I think it makes it harder.

Because I also knew that the day I would have to get in that car, to get on that plane, to go back to my world of privilege, would be one of the hardest days of my life.

And right now, as I am living this last morning, that prediction is also very true.

I woke up to sweet giggles and a big smile. I broke the rules and kept one of the babies in my room last night (sorry Davona!) and so the day is already starting off a bit brighter! I'll get dressed in a little while, I'll go to worship, feed, put babies down for a nap and continue with my day just like all the other days of the last 5 months, and 3 weeks. But today I'll feed the babies a little slower, I'll give a few more kisses, and I'll hold back this giant lump in my throat that keeps threatening to break out as big tears and hope that I can get through the day.

I look forward to "my people" at home. I mean, gosh, SKYPE is amazing but is no substitute for the real thing. I look forward to driving my car. I can't wait to turn on the radio and see what's new. I'm excited to go to Publix and see all my options. I DO NOT look forward to the check out line. I spend around $3 a week on produce here in Tanzania. I can't even buy ONE avocado for that price at home. But that's the trade off for running water and consistent electricity.

But I wonder, after all the initial conversations and celebrations, after the pedicure and the haircut, after all restaurants have been visited.... will my heart long for a world where babies are constantly screaming, and clean feet are a luxury and not the norm? I think so. And that is why today is so difficult.

But life goes on and the world keeps spinning. And I will have to spin with it. Wiping away a tear as I type. Wow. This is really hard.

"What do we gain from all our work? I know the heavy burdens that God has laid on us. He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future, but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does. So I realized that all we can do is to be happy and do the best we can while we are still alive. All of us should eat and drink and enjoy what we have worked for. It is God's gift. " ~Ecclesiastes 3

So for the last time from Tanzania....

Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo.

~Shae

High-Five

2010-12-07T06:03:00.002+03:00

Its 5:45 a.m. and I've been up for a few hours. Haven't slept a lot in the last month. I don't know what it is? Stress? Anxiety? Bad ugali? Whatever it is allows me this opportunity to blog. With only five days to go, I wanted to shout out a few people from home who have been great supporters through my time here. If you are not on the list... please don't hate me. It doesn't mean I don't love you. It means that its 5:45 a.m. and I only have 5 days left in TZ. Help a sister out, and give her a little leeway on this one!!! Thanks ya'll.

OH, and I took these photos from social networking sites. So, if you don't like your pictures, its not my fault. You shouldn't have posted them!!!

Chad & Susan Hess - Hello! I previously created a blog dedicated to them! They are amazing. Enough said.

Holly Sims - You always think that you haven't been a good enough friend. YOU ARE THE BESTEST of BEST FRIENDS. You have been enough! Trust the Shae.

Mike and Tania Hufanda - Amazing couple/amazing friends who rallied a host of people, some of whom are listed below, to donate items to me and the babies here at Cradle. Love them. Love everyone on this list! Love the continued support from Ms. Tania!

Martha Wetmore
Catherine Hall
Hilda Walker
Schneider's
Karina Riesen
Stanley P.
Audrey Zuber -- Owner of Punkin-butt diaper company (www.punkinbutt.com) along with her friend (name unknown)

Amanda Brown - You were such a great sounding board before I left and have continued to be so even while I have been away. I appreciate and love you. Everyone should have a friend like you!

Sara Hueneke - Friend, confidant, sustainer of my sanity! Skyping with Sara was always a highlight of my Sunday! She understands me and can always bring humor to me when humor cannot be found!!!

My parents. Ok, this picture isn't EXACTLY Jack and Joni Beery. But I don't have a picture of them so this will have to do! I mean, these people look like they could be my parents, right?

My Florida Hospital Church - Our vision statement is one that I take to heart as a member of this body of people. Thank you to the other members of this community of believers who helped me fulfill my part of our VISION!

My Stovash, Case, & Tingley, P.A. Family - I asked for a photo a long time ago and only Cara and Karen responded! So, feast your eyes on these two beauties. But seriously, thanks for all the support, from employees past and present. I cannot thank you enough for your love and gifts. I am the luckiest woman to work in such an amazing place!

The Ragsdale Women! - This mother and daughter pair are so very close in my heart. While I've been away, Karen once wrote me and said "you know you are the best friend ever, right?" Well, Karen--- ditto to you!

Tami Cinquemani - I don't know what it is. We are totally different people, at different stages in our lives, with different circles of friends, and different goals for our future. But casual circumstances made our paths cross and a sweet friendship developed. This woman has brought compassion, friendship, normalcy, connection, and calm to my life the ENTIRE time I have been in Tanzania. I have never poured over every single typed word as much as I did each time I received an email from her. And the emails came so frequently that I almost feel ashamed that I could never reciprocate in-kind. But I say almost because I know that she completely understands my mission here and never asked that I do anything other than keep the focus and pace. Tami was a beautiful surprise to me. How could I have known that a simple friendship would blossom across the world and email? She will HATE that I am spending so much blog space on her, but I don't care. Everyone listed above has had me gush on them at some point in our relationship. And since Tami is a new member to my "people I value" list, she is just going to have to get over it! Love you Tami. Appreciate you more!

Ok, so this ends my ramblings. I am excited to be home. But there is still so much left to do in my few days here. We have 6 toddlers potty training and the place smells like PEEE! Yuck. So, as you can read, the work doesn't stop just because I am preparing to head home. Keep praying for me. Keep commenting. I need your encouragement to get through these last days. Blessings to you.

Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo.

~Shae

Only six days to say my name

2010-12-05T13:42:00.005+03:00

It started so innocently. I just wanted to hear my name. Shae-Shae. SHHH AAAAA EEEEEE SSSHHHHAAAEE. Was it too much to ask? Well...maybe.

As so many of you have read before, there is one special little girl here at Cradle of Love who has captured my heart. Anybody who spends anytime here could easily and matter-of-factly say "Shae and Pendo are buddies!" I'm not quite sure when it happened mutually, but it did. And I am so happy for it.

But here's the deal. She talks. Some. Actually, no, she talks a lot these days. Her utterings come out as one and two word sentences. She is quite loud and purposeful in her words. But God bless her, I have NO IDEA what she is saying. I suspect that most of her chatter is Swahili and I am just too ignorant to understand. But I want to understand. Badly, I want to understand. And I want her to say my name.

But she won't.

She finds the "sema Shae-Shae" game FAR TOO AMUSING! She giggles and puts her now chubby little hands over her mouth and her little eyes sparkle as she throws her head back in a laugh. I beg her. I conjole her. I ignore her requests. I pretend that I am crying. And you know what happens? NOTHING. She refuses to say my name. And its killing me.

For some reason, I just thought that hearing her say my name before I left would be the icing on the cake of all the hard work I, and so many others, have put into her care. I remember one really dark day in September when the feeding tube wasn't working (she kept pulling at it or gagging it up when she didn't have the strength to pull it out by hand) and she would spit out everything we put in her mouth, even water. Our nurse suggested that her survival wasn't about the nutrition alone. Pendo had lost the will to live and until she got over her depression, it really wasn't about forcing the calories. In the western world, we would have sedated her and put in a feeding tube. But here in Arusha, we don't work with those options. So, I took our nurse's words to heart and did everything I could over the next two days to get Pendo interested in the kids and the fun at Cradle. She was SO weak. She was SO depressed. But any tiny, minute about of spark that I could see in her would inspire me to push harder for her survival.

And I will admit that THE most difficult time I had with her is when I said the hardest three little words that a person could, or should ever say to a child. While holding her twisted, dehydrated, broken, and damaged body in my arms, her head against my chest, I went to place her in her crib for the night and pleaded the only thing that came to mind:

"Please don't die."

And again the next night....

"Please don't die."

I am so grateful and thankful to GOD for the blessing of Pendo. Her little life has changed mine in ways that I didn't even know needed changing. This morning as I was pondering on what to say in this blog... it hit me... of course... how could I be so stupid??? The icing on the cake is NOT whether Pendo will say my name or not. The true congratulations for my sincerest efforts in Pendo's recovery is when she leaves Cradle and goes home... and never has to come back! That is the pearl in the oyster, the summit on the mountain, or the treasure at the end of the rainbow.

Pendo's time at Cradle was about Pendo... and not me! So, she can say my name or maybe she won't. Either way, it won't change how ridiculously proud I am of her. She is such a beautiful little creature, inside and out.

I'll miss you terribly, little buddy. It has been my honor to serve you in your time of darkness and with God's help, bring you back into the light. Mabusu to you, Pendo!!!!

~Shae

And on the seventh day He rested.

2010-12-04T14:48:00.005+03:00

Its sabbath afternoon for me here in Tanzania. My LAST sabbath afternoon in Tanzania. I have planned for this day, thought about this day, and arranged for this day in my head over and over... but now that its here, I just couldn't execute. Yes, its true that I am still recovering from flu and I'll even admit that I have jumped back into the mix too quickly. If I were home in the U.S., I would have stayed in bed for a few days and taken time off. But with my time winding down, there is far too much to do for me to take a few days off. But today, THE day among days... I just can't rally myself to do what I had planned. I didn't make it to church this morning. And there will be no playtime with the children out on a blanket in the yard. No photo shoots. No treats that I baked the night before. Nothing.

I am sitting here in my room, watching my favorite baby girl asleep on my lap, and typing this blog in hopes that I can slowly wrap my brain around the beauty of this day while dealing with the sadness that I feel in my heart. I know that coming here to Tanzania and serving at Cradle of Love is the best decision I have made in a long, long time. I know that my time here was not wasted... not for one second. I know that the children may not remember me, but that I made a positive impact on their lives. And that knowledge gives me comfort as I prepare to leave. It does. But having to physically pack my bags for home, to have to say goodbye to my amazing fellow volunteers and all these little children of whom I have fallen madly in love with is difficult. And it makes me question. Did I advocate hard enough for better care of the babies? Did I teach volunteers everything they need to sustain? Did I show enough love to the staff? Can I leave now when there is so much more to do? Do I come back? When? How? What will my friends at home say? I've asked for more than I deserved and I received more than I could have imagined... do I have the right to ask again?

And the questions continue...

But then I have to stop and take hold of the day. Because this day, THE DAY AMONG DAYS was created for me, by GOD, so that I could just reflect on Him and his greatness and leave the worry, the doubt, and the questions for tomorrow. He wove me into this moment, both for Cradle of Love and for myself. And I have no business doubting Him and his plans.

And so, I'll just lay this precious sleeping baby girl in my yet unpacked carry-on luggage. And I'll take a few hours to nap myself as I have a long, last week ahead of me. And I'll reread and share with you the promises from the Bible. God's wisdom comes through in the following passage from Isaiah 28.

"Listen to what I am saying; pay attention to what I am telling you. No farmer goes on constantly plowing his fields and getting them ready for sowing. Once he has prepared the soil, he sows the seed of herbs such as dill and cumin. He sows rows of wheat and barley and at the edges of his fields he sows other grain. He knows how to do his work, because God has taught him. He never uses a heavy club to beat out dill seeds or cumin seeds; instead he uses light sticks of the proper size. He does not ruin the wheat by threshing it endlessly, and he knows how to thresh it by driving a cart over it without bruising the grains, All this wisdom comes from the LORD Almighty. The plans God makes are wise, and they always succeed."

Until tomorrow.

~Shae

8 things that I miss from home (I'll be there soon!)

2010-12-03T06:51:00.003+03:00

Brave Shae takes on driving for the first time in Tanzania!

1. Running water. Everyday.
2. Electricity. Also everyday.
3. Florida Hospital Church family.
4. Skittles
5. Traffic lights.
6. Susan working an "Office" reference into everyday conversation.
7. Employment.
8. Habaneros!

With only one week left, I have so much to do and so little time. However, instead of dwelling on the things that I'll miss about here (and there will be a list!) I am reminding myself of all that I look forward to at home. Its been a fast and amazing 6 months. This small segment of my life will forever be part of the story of who I was, who I am now, and who I will become. THANK YOU TO ALL MY AMAZING FRIENDS/FAMILY AT HOME. YOU ARE THE REASON I AM SUCCESSFUL. FROM CHURCH FRIENDS TO WORK FRIENDS, COLLEGE PALS AND LIFELONG BUDDIES, I MISS YOU ALL AND I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU OR HEAR YOUR VOICE WHEN I RETURN.

~Shae

P.S. The pictures are from last weekend when my director "forced" me to learn to drive in Tanzania! Do you have any idea how hard it is to drive a manual when everything is on the opposite of what you are used to!?!?!?!?! Including the oncoming traffic?!?!?!?!? I actually did a great job. By the third time driving, I was completely comfortable. THANK YOU Davona for pushing me into learning. I feel stupid that I resisted so long. Oh well. Shae masters driving in Tanzania? Check.

Its strange driving on the left side. Hope I don't cross the line!

When ABC meets C of L

2010-11-28T07:13:00.002+03:00

With only two weeks left before I return to the United States I thought it would be fitting for me to introduce and give honor to some of the amazing young human beings I have met while here in Tanzania. They each have brought lightness and brightness to a heart that was turning dark. And to the remaining 30+ children of whom I haven’t mentioned by name, may it be known that they have made my life richer in ways that I couldn’t have even imagined.

Agnes You brought joy to me. You bring hope to anyone who doubts the future for true orphans.

Bahati You are a dimple faced wonder who deserves the mother you received.

Clara There is beauty behind those serious eyes.

Dotto You loved me first. I will love you last and always.

Elinipa You were MY first love and one never forgets their first love.

Florian A butterball of snuggly goodness.

Grace Your simple smile and soft coos melted my heart.

Happy You stirred up a part of my heart that had been dead for far too long. For that, I am eternally grateful. I’m yours. FOREVER. Your little hands, your little laugh, your little smile = one big happy Shae. To say I love you is not enough to express all that I feel for you.

Irene You came to us in distress and sadness but now all you give is love!

Jackson No little boy has been more loved by so many volunteers.

Kurwa You are the most beautiful child at Cradle and not for what we can see, but for what we still can’t.

Lazaro You are a prince and I hope I served you well.

Mark Big and beautiful!

Nancy Your smile and laugh are infectious.

Pendo You allowed me to love you and returned that love in loyalty. I have never cried or prayed over a child as much as I did you! And to have you choose to spend all your time with me as you grow and become stronger was all the thanks needed. I love you child. You are a gift.

Rahema You came at 8 days old and you warmed my heart even then.

Selemani Now I know what a toddler Fred Flintstone would have looked like running.

Tessa You are 1 of 3 but you are truly your own person.

Vicki You are more fun than any other toddler and you have the best smile!

Witness You have never asked for anything but have given me so much love.

Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo.

~Shae

Who's coming to dinner?

2010-11-25T09:18:00.006+03:00

Per Wikipedia-

"Thanksgiving Day is a harvest festival celebrated primarily in the United States and Canada. Traditionally, it has been a time to give thanks for a bountiful harvest. "

So my Thanksgiving Day was celebrated on Sunday, November 21, 2010, in a little apartment in Usa River, Tanzania, AFRICA. The mood was positive, the excitement was high, as one little American tried to bring some harvest joy to the volunteers of Cradle of Love, Havilah, and ADRA. Who new that one little suggestion of "lets get together and do something for Thanksgiving" would turn into a feast for the masses! It was a labor of love that took much planning of menu, of shopping, of coordination of transport, and set up for so many. What started off as a little meal to feed a few turned into a giant feast to feed 12!

God really blessed as cooking commenced at 7:00 a.m. Sunday and didn't stop until the first bite was taken at 7:30 p.m.! It was a hard day of work that I would do a hundred times over. God blessed us with modern technology and kept the electricity on all day for cooking. The joy of gathering so many people together to cook, to talk, to sing, and to enjoy is one that I won't ever forget. Seven countries were represented in the 12 volunteers in attendance. It was a gathering that would make the United Nations proud! Enjoy the pictures.

I really got into cooking. Man, were my feet tired by the end of the day.

There was so much to prepare on such a small space.

Anika, Danielle, and I got involved with the pumpkin puree.

Danielle did an awesome job with the spices and puree mixture.

Anika's amazing dinner rolls. Thanks Ashulu for the recipe!

The masses gathered after the feast!

Only floor seating available. Not a bad thing.

With all those dishes, our poor sink couldn't keep up.

3/4 of a quad of women that have really made Cradle an amazing place to be!

Thank you Anika, Alison, Danielle, Dolly, Darren, Kezia, Jacky, Jordan, Rebekka, Ruth, and Simon for coming and making this day so wonderful!

A VERY SPECIAL NOTE TO SELF: "I will offer thanks, for what has been and what's to come."

~Shae

How YOU can help

2010-11-19T04:30:00.004+03:00

Its 4:37 a.m. and I can't sleep.

There have been a few issues on my mind of which I feel much unrest. As much as it pains me to admit it, I realize that these issues cannot be resolved by me. It can only be resolved by you and God. So this is my open letter, my written invitation, my request for sanctuary as I lay these burdens down and let God work his wonders through you. My best resolve is that in your actions, or inaction, will be God's gentle answer to the prayers I have been sending His way. Thanks for your time. Thanks for your involvement. Thanks for your faithful support. Hopefully now I can sleep.

TO ALL MY LOCAL READERS: (Arusha, Usa River, and Moshi)

1) We have a little girl at Cradle who needs a family! A local woman in our community has requested that this precious little girl come live with her. However, this woman works full time and has other children at home. Additionally, our precious little girl has physical and mental special needs and requires SO MUCH. This amazing MOM says that she can take our special little girl if she can find help. She wants a "housewoman" who is mature, responsible, and physically capable of lifting, cleaning, feeding, and caring for our special girl while MOM is at work. Are you that capable person????? Do you know someone looking for work who has a heart for a little girl in need??? Please contact me and I can give you more details.

2) We have another special cradle child who needs a temporary family! This time, her special need only involves needing a "foster" family of sorts. She has become available for adoption but her new adoptive family needs a temporary home for her as they prepare for her arrival and start the adoption process. A christian home where the "temporary" family has a heart and understanding of the adoption process is all this child needs. Please contact me and I can give you more details.

TO ALL MY INTERNATIONAL READERS: (America, this is you too!)

There are A LOT of volunteers, student missionaries, and long term missionaries serving all over the world. They need your help. They need prayers. They need letters. AND THEY NEED MONEY! So many of you have gone out to eat multiple times this week... how much did you spend on that meal? How much have you spent on meals all month??? While you are going to see Harry Potter, your student missionary is working in a hospital with no gloves, or serving at an orphanage where there are no diapers or clean water. And what are you doing about it??? GIVE TO YOUR MISSIONARY! GIVE TO THEIR LOCATION OF SERVICE! There are labor wards all over the world who are losing babies everyday because they have no suction to clear the lungs of the a baby in distress. And your Harry Potter money would solve that problem and save a life. Give to your missionary, please. They are sacrificing their life for another. Its your turn to do the same. Thank you.

~ Shae (goes to sleep now. Sweet dreams everyone.)

Where, oh where has my little church gone?

2010-11-15T23:53:00.008+03:00

I miss Florida Hospital Church. I miss the music. I miss the sermons. I miss people coming up to me-- of whom I don't know-- making polite conversation and telling me that they don't like my shoes. Oh wait. No. No. I don't like that!! To be fair, the shoe thing only happened once, but its ok. I miss it anyway! Yesterday, our Cradle of Love director treated a few of us by driving us to Arusha Vineyard church. This is a community of "foreigners and locals" who worship together in christian fellowship. It was so lovely as the music, the sermon, and the people were most similar to my church back in Orlando, Florida. Here are a few pictures of our day at church and afterward enjoying some lunch at Njiro.

This is Kezia and I in front of the new facility

This is the view from the porch of the new church

Someone's baby was VERY good and someone's baby was NOT

Sweet Happy / Sleepy Happy

First time eating store bought baby food. He loved it

I think she loved the lid more than the food!

These two really enjoyed their day together

And on a related sidenote...I need some thoughts and prayers. Really, I just need God. The sermon at the Vineyard church was actually done by the children's department and it was on the topic of Prayer. Prayer: What it is, what it isn't, how we do it, how we listen, and accepting God's answers of YES, MAYBE, and NO.

I'm currently asking God and I need to hear His YES, His NO, or His MAYBE. The details aren't important at this moment as I need His answer to make the decisions and share with the world. But the need for Him, the need for His guidance, and the need to ACCEPT His decision is where my heart is in trouble. I just need. And I think only HE can supply my need.

Clear eyes. Full hearts.

~Shae

NOTE TO SELF # 13 - Its ok to not know what to do. Its not ok to do nothing.

Why you should know about the Nyange Church

2010-11-11T14:12:00.007+03:00

Do you remember anything about 1994? Specifically the spring of 1994? I do. There was this little movie coming out-- Forest Gump! Can you believe it was that long ago??? 1994 was the year of Green Day and Wheezer. And JORDAN CATALANO! Oh my goodness! Remember "My so-called life?" I loved that show. And MTV when "the Real World" was good! Bill Clinton was President and I'm pretty sure that the Monica Lewinsky scandal had already begun. But truly, I don't remember, exactly, and I'm sure that I didn't care anyway. Life was good for a Tennessee girl. All was right with the world... or was it?

On April 15, 1994, Americans were all aflutter with filing their taxes on time and complaining about Uncle Sam. On the nightly news that evening, I'm sure the headlines were about federal spending and "this American life". However, half-way around the world-- if anyone had bothered to notice-- 2,000 Rwandans were being annihilated by other Rwandans. A GLOBAL atrocity was underway. And no one was doing anything about it. Please hang with me a moment to explain.

Just under two weeks ago, me and two other volunteers traveled into Arusha to attend the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda. It was an amazing and eye opening experience as we listened to the testimony of one witness about the events leading up to the killings of 2,000 Rwandan Tutsis at Nyange Church. These people sought refuge at their local Catholic parish and were turned over by their very priest to be exterminated. The cold, callous, and calculating way in which the witness described his involvement with the massacre at Nyange Parish on 15 April and 16 April, 1994 was disturbing.

"We tried many things to bring the people out. But they didn't all die. We used the normal things to kill... you know... machetes and grenades. But then after we were VERY tired from all of our work [of killing] and had to get home for food and drink. I was very thirsty. Its a long day, you know?"

Ok, I have to confess that I put his words in quotes... but I may not have gotten it exact. However the sentences about food and drink ... that was direct. I was emotionally moved at how much he stressed the importance of having enough food and getting drinks after the corporate killing events of the 15th and 16th. The biggest surprise came in the midst of all of this "drink" talk when he casually slipped in "and on the way to the parish, I killed two Tutsi myself." Um, what?

The defense attorney asked "as far as you recall, do you know the identities of those two that you murdered?" And his response, "Oh, I'm not sure that I can remember... a young child and a woman. I think her name was Analise. But how could I possibly know the child?"

My heart stopped beating.

Defense attorney: "so you cannot recall the name of the child?"
Witness: "No."
Defense attorney: "can you recall the name of any of your victims and child victims?"
Witness: "Not all. How could I? And don't ask me to tell you where the head of the child from the last trial is! I told you then that I cannot possibly know and if I did know where the head of that leaders child is, all the other accomplices would have said. So don't even ask me! (in reference to a previous trial where a Tutsi political leader 's child was killed, according to the internet, to make a point).

My heart stopped beating again.

We've all heard the stories of Rwanda. Actually, sadly, many Americans HAVEN'T heard the stories of Rwanda. But instead of hearing the "big picture story", I got to witness the story of one location, of one group of people, and of one sinister man who valued his "drink" more than he valued people of his own community. At one point, as the attorneys were referencing the children killed at the Nyange Parish, my mind raced back to Cradle of Love. All my babies. All my beautiful, innocent, gorgeous babies. All made up of different villages, of different tribes, and of different circumstances. How different their lives would be if they lived just a few hundred miles to the west... Rwanda. How could anyone kill CHILDREN over tribal differences? I was totally emotional.

I am unable to take pictures at the tribunal as it is a real courtroom with real security. But I was able to pull some stock photos from the United Nations media library. Three of the judges in this picture were on the bench the day we visited and we were able to hear them speak.

This is a stock picture of the outside of the tribunal. The building is HUGE but houses other offices and businesses in Arusha. Its one of the larger buildings in the city.

Everyday in America, we are told of the atrocities around the world but we don't really listen. The amount of people killed between 1 January, 1994, and 31 December, 1994, would encompass all residents of Orange County, Florida (ORLANDO- for our international readers). So, why do you need to know about the 2,000 Rwandans who lost their lives on April 15 and April 16, 1994?????

We need to know so that American taxes, Wheezer, and Forest Gump are never a higher priority than protecting the lives and human rights of people a world away!

Something to think about.

Clear eyes. Full hearts. CAN'T LOSE.

~Shae

Who is sick now?

2010-10-31T07:14:00.004+03:00

It seems that our little Happy girl is doing better! She is not totally out of the sickness "woods" yet, but I do see improvement. Since I only have a few more sabbaths here on the continent, I decided that it would be nice to just stay in and spend some time with a baby. To the left, you see that I have engaged in our favorite activity - bathtime! This is one of my favorite parts of sabbath. Unfortunately, it is also the activity that reveals to me just how how dangerously thin Happy can get. I grabbed clothes from the nursery to dress her. Unfortunately, the size 3month clothes didn't fit. I had grabbed a newborn outfit because it was cute, but I never thought she could actually wear it. I was wrong. The outfit you see her sleeping in is size NB. It breaks my heart to see her so thin. She'll be 11 months old on the 10th. I have got to get this child out of Tanzania and to a better hospital so we can figure out what is wrong with her. But alas. That is not the reality we live in.

Here are some more pictures of our day. And at the end some information on one of our new volunteers and "her" baby!

Happy's little skeletal system is making an appearance. Scary thin.

See the nail clippers? Bigger than her hand.

Waking up from our afternoon nap!

This is Rahman and a new volunteer, Kezia.

Rahman hasn't been feeling well, so Kezia has made a point of holding him everyday and monitoring his health. He is such a beautiful, sweet little boy and I think these two are fast friends!

Such good friends in fact, that Rahman decided Kezia would make for a good place to vomit! Pole Kezia. Double POLE as Kezia has now been in bed for 24 hours with her own bout of vomiting. Ah, the life of a Cradle volunteer!

What can I do to help?: Happy goes to the Hospital

2010-10-27T10:29:00.003+03:00

Dear Readers:

If you are a long term visitor to my blog, you will note that there are certain children that I tend to “spotlight” more than others. Happy Edward Msaki is one such child. She and I have bonded in ways that I did not expect and she is just a delight to my life. Last week, she was stricken with vomiting and diarrhea. After receiving a positive test for malaria, she was treated and expected to make a full recovery. However, our staff supervisor came into the office early yesterday morning asking for urgent intervention as our little Happy girl was vomiting again and dangerously dehydrated. I was supposed to go to Arushatown with Davona, but I accompanied our nurse to the hospital instead. It took over 45 minutes to get an IV started on Happy. Her veins are just too small and the dehydration made it almost impossible to find access. It literally took three different nurses (including our own) to get a successful vein. Happy screamed the entire time and another woman had to end up holding her as I nearly passed out! All the nurses kept asking “what’s wrong with the Mzungu?” And my nurse from Cradle would say “blood” and they would all nod their heads and giggle! They ended up moving me to one of the beds in the pediatric ward because I was “very white” (as opposed to my normal shade of pale!). I have seen many procedures on children, but the stress of having this tiny 11 pound wonder losing her mind as the nurses twist, and poked, and squeezed, and dug for a vein… I think it was emotionally too much. I knew it was in Happy’s best interest to gain access, but I didn’t handle her crying very well. Great parenting Shae!!! Anyway, here are a few pictures from our time in the hospital. I stayed with her through the day and our Cradle nurse stayed with her at night. Get well Happy girl.

This is the pediatric ward. 8 beds in one large room.

Happy on her bed. No cribs. No pretty colors on the wall. Not your typical Peds ward! Just a mosquito net and a pole to hang her IV drip. Primitive but clean so I really can’t complain. Also, the sisters at the hospital couldn’t have been nicer.

Poor little Happy was really too weak to drink but she did anyway and I was thrilled.

At any American hospital, you enjoy the comforts of air conditioning, a gift shop, a phone, the cafeteria, televisions and trash cans!!! But here in Tanzania, you bring your own everything. Food, water, toilet paper, entertainment, blankets, sheets, bags for trash, wipes, etc. Florida Hospital is looking like the freakin’ Ritz-Carlton to me, right now !!!! Of course, it only costs $5 to stay here overnight. I’m pretty sure Florida Hospital is a LITTLE more expensive than that!

After a full drip, and a few hours of sleep, Happy was becoming more enthusiastic to drink some milk. She just took the bottle from me and attempted to hold it herself. All my pictures of her are so deceiving because she looks a little pudgy in her face. But look closely… this is a small, 4 ounce bottle, and look how big it is compared to her head. This child is 10 months old and wearing a 0-3 month outfit. All parents would understand this… she is still in stage/size 1 diapers. She’s tiny!

Thank you to all my readers out there! I am always amazed when I meet people of whom I have never met, but they know me from this blog. Its a blessing to be able to share this experience with all of you. Please, please, please, feel free to leave a comment as it helps me to feel connected and get to know those who are reading.

~Shae

Who is that?: Hidaya goes home for a visit

2010-10-20T20:49:00.008+03:00

About three weeks ago, I got the privilege of accompanying Ashley to the home of baby Hidaya. Hidaya has been at Cradle of Love Baby Home almost since birth. She lost her mother but has a surviving baba, dadas, kaka, and two bibis (that's father, sisters, brother, and two grandmothers!). Hidaya's older siblings and one grandmother had only seen her once, whereas her father and maternal grandmother had only seen her a few times. It was upon the visit of Hidaya's father to Cradle just days before Ashley was to return to the United States, that she was invited to visit his home and meet the family. The following is a simple pictorial of her visit (I was invited to accompany and capture the moments). Visiting this home further helps me to feel confident in our work here at Cradle. Without a living mother and without us, these families would have no where to turn and would lose their babies. I'm so happy that we can be here to help them in their times of crisis. Its truly our privilege and honor.

Room one of two: Where the family gathers to eat and socialize

The friend who referred the family to Cradle of Love was also there to visit with Hidaya

Hidaya's beautiful three year old sister

Me in the alleyway leading to Hidaya's home

Hidaya cried a lot during the visit but her Baba didn't mind! Daddy's love their little girls!

The whole family, with a few friends that you might recognize

Go ahead and sleep Hidaya. Its already been a long day.

Where are you going?

2010-10-16T07:21:00.040+03:00

Walking. It seems like it is something that I take for granted. I've never thought about it as much as I have here in Tanzania. Walking is everything. Its freedom. Its transportation. Its unifying and dividing. You wouldn't think so... but it is! And I am so sure that it is never anything that you ever think about. Its a gift. And we don't even realize it. But after watching some of our children struggle to use their legs to walk and volunteers struggle to use their legs to walk away, I decided to dedicate this blog to walking.... what we walk to, what we walk from, and the simple act of learning how to use our legs for the first time (and for Pendo, the second time!).

This week, Ashley left to return to her exciting life in the United States. We all walked to a favorite local "cafe" and enjoyed a last meal together before she stepped on that plane back to Seattle. It was a beautiful time together that signified a closure to her life here at Cradle with us, Hidaya, and all the other babies. Good luck Ashley! We all know that you are going to do great in your new endeavor into Labor and Delivery.

Little Peter is just learning to walk! He is the smaller baby of a set of twin boys. His brother Eric is cruising through the baby home at lightning speed. But Peter is taking his time... We are optimistic that he will catch up soon. Because Peter has a will to be a "big boy" like all the other one year olds his age, I am sure he will be on his feet soon. He just needs a little more love and a little more encouragement from the rest of us volunteers. And Peter, we'll give it to ya'! Because you are a beautiful little boy and you deserve all the best that we can give you!!!!

And then here we have the little charmers! This boy and girl twin set of terror initially did not make a positive impression on me. At times they still don't! Because these little ones are quickly approaching two years old and they have no language skills or walking abilities. Brother Dotto is a screaming fool and sister Kurwa has a matching tone and pitch that at times makes it difficult to determine which one is upset! But I've realized that the heart of their screams comes from frustration from lack of mobility and communication. We are working very hard to get them on their damaged feet and legs (due to months/years of sitting up criss-crossed, their feet are turned in and will not lay flat. Additionally, they have learned to "scoot" on their butt instead of crawling with their legs and feet behind them. This has furthered the problem of their legs and feet being curled into their bodies and not straight. We do a little PT with them everyday now!) Still, I have to tell you... these two are some of the most strikingly beautiful children I have ever seen! I was so caught up in their bad behavior that I was missing the moments with them that are truly magical. Dotto has most recently attached himself to me. I didn't realize it until a nanny pointed it out to me. He always scoots his way over to me whenever I am in the play room and reaches his arms for me to hold him. Some of his screaming has been in frustration over me holding other babies before he could get to me. And I had no idea! Walking. Its the difference between Dotto getting affection and being passed over. I'm gonna' be more aware of THAT in the future...

And last, but not least, is your girl Pendo. Just this week, she has stopped grunting and crying and started to babble. Her vocals are soft and sometimes almost inaudible... but they are there! We passed by a group of staff and she says to me "Mamusa." What? What was that Pendo? "Mama Musa!" she says in a louder voice. And she was right. She pointed to our staff supervisor as we passed by and proudly said our supervisor's name! "That's right Pendo, its Mama Musa. Good job!". She keeps giggling at me when I walk in a room and is slowly turning into a TWO YEAR OLD! She likes to crawl over to me when I have a smaller baby in my lap and play with them. She is still a little weak, but she has started to give them kisses and plays until they knock her over (oops!). But then she did something this week that I was so lucky to catch on video! You will hear me get really excited and you will also notice flashes of pictures being taken by other volunteers. Its a really beautiful moment caught on camera. I actually cried when I watched it later that evening. I can't wait to show her mother when she comes to visit.

OK, HERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN AWESOME VIDEO OF PENDO WALKING FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE COMING TO CRADLE OF LOVE. BUT AFTER SO MANY DIFFERENT ATTEMPTS AND DIFFERENT APPROACHES TO GETTING THIS VIDEO TO PROCESS... IT WON'T! ANYONE ELSE HAVE SUGGESTIONS OR HAD PROBLEMS WITH GETTING VIDEO ON BLOGSPOT. WENT TO THE INTERNET AND IT DIDN'T HELP MUCH. BUT I REALLY WANT YOU GUYS TO SEE THE VIDEO. SO SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME!!

Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo,

~Shae

Where else can a volunteer deliver a baby all by herself?

2010-10-09T21:45:00.003+03:00

My friend Ashley (rt. in picture) volunteers at a local Tanzanian hospital, as well as serving some volunteer time here at Cradle of Love. She recently graduated in the states with her BS Nursing and wanted to use some of her skills here before she returns to the states and enters the work force. Did she get some experience? Boy, did she ever! Read all about her adventures in the labor and delivery "ward" at Tangeru Hospital by visiting her blog at http://wolfecrossing.wordpress.com. All of my friends who currently work in the field of nursing would love an opportunity like this one. And they too can have an experience like the one Ashley describes in her blogs by flying across the ocean and giving up a little time to Africa. I mean, where else can a volunteer deliver a baby all by herself? NO WHERE! Ah, Africa. You never cease to bore me.

On a side note, fellow volunteer, and now dear friend Ashley will be leaving the Cradle campus on Wednesday. She arrived only a few weeks after I did so she has been with me for the majority of my time here. I will miss her in ways that I am sure, right now, I don't even know. ASHLEY, you have been a great friend and awesome volunteer. My remaining two months will not be the same without you. Thanks for your love and support of me when things were getting too stressful and a little hairy! Apart from the fact that I hope we will know each other for many years to come, I hope that we collectively served our babies well. Baby Hidaya will miss you. But I promise to take very good care of her in your absence as I know you would do for me and my special baby.

Clear Eyes. Full Hearts.

~Shae

Here is a picture of the two of us while visiting Zanzibar.

How cute is this !?!?

2010-10-07T09:18:00.002+03:00

We are preparing for this season's Christmas card at Cradle of Love and have been taking pictures of the children in Christmas outfits Davona and I found at the second hand clothing market. Here is a sneak peek at some of the photos we took. I am unhumbly taking credit for this shot as I thought it would be cute to have our twins giving each other a little Chrstimas kiss!!! The girls probably thought I was crazy as I was exclaiming "busu, busu" (kiss, kiss) and trying to get the shot! But as you can see, they look absolutely adorable in their holiday attire and sharing the love! To see more pictures of our little ones in their season's best, head on over to www.cradleoflove.com. And feel free, as always, to make a donation. THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO HAVE SUPPORTED CRADLE OF LOVE OVER THE LAST YEAR. WE COULDN'T HAVE HELPED AS MANY BABIES WITHOUT YOU!

~Shae

How Pendo got her groove back

2010-10-03T07:23:00.005+03:00

Over the last year, I have had a few people tell me regarding different situations with children "you wouldn't understand because you are not a parent." This phrase has always baffled me because I always wonder, "well, how would you know if I understand or not?" The reality is that there are a few things that I WON'T understand until I am the sole adult responsible for one specific child. I am not so naive to think that I know EVERYTHING and understand EVERYTHING that comes with being a parent. However, there are most things that I DO understand about being a parent... and not just understanding.... but FEELING as a parent feels regarding their children. I have asked two former nannies/caregivers who are now parents if their love, committment, fears, and understanding is less for the children of which they were their nannies. And these two women told me "no." They say that the burden of these children's eternal happiness is not there as they would not have those children for life. But the love and committment was no different. They say it is stronger for their own children, naturally, but that the children of whom they cared for as a nanny still hold exceptional places in their hearts that will live there forever. And there is nothing that they wouldn't do for those children...as they would do for their own.

Hhmmmmmmnnn. Interesting.

The point of me mentioning all this is to help you understand my overwhelming joy at the recent success of our little Pendo. She has changed in leaps and bounds over these past 5 weeks. There were days when I really wasn't sure if we were making any difference to her recovery or if we were just prolonging her agony. But I must tell you that the beautiful efforts of our nurse, our staff supervisor, the three dedicated nannies who fought for her, the patient volunteers, other staff, and "mama Pendo" (I'll let you guess who was the recipient of that name!) has made a difference! Look at our girl now:

Just last Friday, I took a chance and put her in the swing outside. Her bones are still a little fragile so I was especially careful to make sure she was sitting on extra clothing and her thick nappy. Imagine my surprise when the normally serious and sullen Pendo started to smile... then giggle! It was in that moment that I realized she had dimples! The flesh in her face had FINALLY repaired enough to show her dimples. It was a beautiful moment in which I will never forget for as long as I live. Pendo has dimples! And it only took 5 weeks to see them. Amazing. Ashley was beside me and we could have cried.

Here are a few more pictures of her. She is quite annoyed with me because I won't let her have my camera. She has recently been crying over shoes. SHOES! She wants to wear the dressy, black patent leather shoes that some of the other little girls were wearing. After much effort, I finally found some from our clothing supply that fits her. She loves them. And that assures me that she is truly making progress.

Pendo is still very thin and has a long way to go. But her will to be a normal 2.5 year old is getting stronger. A few days ago when Ashley and I were away, Pendo desperately tried to pull herself up in her crib. The nannies then started working with her by standing her up in the playpen and letting her lean over the edge. She only lasts for about 5 minutes, but this helps her get in the practice of using her legs. She hasn't stood up in over 5 months. She has to re-learn how to crawl, stand, balance, and walk again. You can see from the picture how bow-legged her bones have become. But she is determined and we'll do everything we can to help her. GO PENDO!!!

Thank you God for the opportunity to "parent" these children. And thank you readers for giving all of us the encouragement to be here.

+ a lot of love =

So this concludes the tale of HOW PENDO GOT HER GROOVE BACK!

~Shae

Remember when we went to Zanzibar?

2010-10-01T22:51:00.026+03:00

I love being here at Cradle of Love. I feel really blessed and actually LUCKY to be able to serve my volunteer time here with the babies. But 51 children are a lot to care for. Its exhausting. Parents are amazing people. I am always amazed at how well single parents schedule their time to take care of their children, work, go to school, church, and have a little social time thrown in. Amazing. Anyway, I was afforded an opportunity to take a few days away and have a proper holiday (vacation). So the following is a pictorial journey through my time with Ashley (a fellow volunteer) and our trip to Zanzibar!!!!!

Here, Ashley and I make stops at several airports to and from our destinations. No, toto, we aren't in Kansas anymore! Ashley and I are still learning what "5 minutes" in Africa really means! Because the airline changes the flight times for departure at will and decides that the plane will board AND take off 45 minutes PRIOR to scheduled time. We thought this was Africa where everything runs behind schedule and at a slower pace. NOT TRUE! We almost missed connecting flights... TWICE! Oh Dar es Salaam... why do you taunt us so! And what is up with your scary corridors??????

We arrived at our destination and the accommodations were better than we imagined. We had a great time just laying by the pool (a COMPLETE luxury here!) and reading while chilling on an elevated mat or hammock. Oh, this was exactly what we needed for proper relaxation.

Oh, and the food. Who could forget about that? I would love to tell you that we ventured out and tried all these new and exciting things. But the reality is that we stayed close to our lodge because the food in the restaurants and huts nearby was fab! We had the best chapati on the planet. We even got the recipe from the chef! Amazing. So, no need to wander! And Coca-Cola... please bring "Stoney Tangawizi" to the states. I will miss that drink when I return to Florida.

YUM!!! I love my Tangawizi!

In addition to laying by the pool, eating, talking about babies, and reading, we got to do a little snorkeling. I would love to show you pictures of our adventure out on the sea, but from the following photographs you will see why there was no opportunity to picture take. Feast your eyes on our snorkel transport:

There's really no opportunity to bring a camera in a canoe!!!!

The one thing I really did love about being here at the lodge we selected is that the tide rolled out very far to the reef. So, for about three hours in the midday, you could walk a few hundred meters out on the ocean floor. All the local boats would be sitting in the soft sand, just waiting for the tide to roll back in. And the bright green seaweed would gently lay awaiting the arrival of the Indian Ocean's current. Amazing.

Ashley and I had a good time on this holiday. We had great fun hanging with the staff of our lodge talking hip-hop and pop-culture, putting on make-up (just because!), always reading a book, and going to Stonetown on our way out of Zanzibar. All in all, this was a great time for me as a volunteer, as a woman, and as a human being enjoying God's great beauty! I would visit Zanzibar again, but feel blessed if this is my only opportunity to ever see it. Now, its back to the babies. And here's a teaser for the next blog... Pendo has dimples!!!! Who knew? Anyway, here's more random pictures of our time. Enjoy.

Hannah R.- you would love it! Bring M. on a vacation here! You guys would have such fun.

Oh, one last thing... how could I forget? This final picture is of Ashley, me, and our beloved Almas! In true "brother" fashion, he took us to the airport, insisted that we call him to let him know of our safe arrival, and picked us up from the airport with a big smile on his face and much to tell us about the week. We love Almas. I think I will miss him as much as the babies when I return to the United States. Anyway, ciao!

~Shae

The church at 2800

2010-09-24T07:29:00.003+03:00

If you are in the greater Orlando area this Sabbath, Saturday, September 25, 2010, you may want to visit the Florida Hospital Church @2800 N. Orange Avenue. I'm not saying you HAVE to go to church...I'm just saying that you might WANT to go.

Being a missionary, in the United States, in South Bimini, in Russia, and now in Tanzania has been the greatest joy of my life. But it didn't come without hard work and a lot of sacrifice. And the sacrifice wasn't just on my part... but with a joint effort of so many people in my life who have supported me financially, spiritually, and EMOTIONALLY! I am very grateful.

This saturday, Pastor Andy McDonald will spotlight some of the ways that we as a people are furthering the work of God and partnering in the gospel mission. Please visit www.hospitalchurch.org for more information on this topic.

Imani Tumaini na Upendo,

~Shae

Cross References

2010-09-22T23:17:00.003+03:00

Ashley and I have had a few really fun days with the kids lately. We are trying to be more purposeful in taking pictures WITH the children and not just OF the children. And here, on this day of our "mini photoshoot" one of the other volunteers grabbed the camera and took a few shots of Ashley and I chillin' with babies. I really love these two pictures because it perfectly captures the true experience we have everyday. Although it looks like we are sleeping, we are actually looking at the sleeping toddlers in our arms. And then, we snap back to reality and pose for the camera. I have Pendo ... Ash has Bahati. In a few short days, Bahati will go live with his new mother and father. And God willing, Pendo will be strong enough in a few months to go home with her mother and sister. So this picture, like so many others, will go in my box of cherished memories. Thank you Camilla for capturing this moment for Ashley and I. [And on a side note, my beautiful little Pendo ate an adult helping of rice and beans this afternoon-- I truly could have cried but the joy and smiles took over!]

Please visit Ashley's blog at http://wolfecrossing.wordpress.com and click on two very entertaining blogs entitled: "A day in the life..." and "Pole, Glory Glory Hallelujah". You will NOT be disappointed!

Tania H. -- "A day in the life... " chronicles a 12 hour period of time. M. might be a little too young to understand the concept of time, but you could pull out a clock and change the hand on the hour as you look at each picture. It might help her understand the progression of a day. Just a thought. Anyway, happy reading everyone!

Here we are again, focused and posed.

Imani Tumaini na Upendo,

~Shae

Wide Open Spaces

2010-09-21T23:41:00.004+03:00

I sometimes get so caught up in the work of being here at Cradle of Love, that I sometimes forget to look around and really take in the reality of where I live, what it looks like, how it smells, who is part of it, and when its at its most beautiful. Because the landscape here at Cradle and the surrounding community is really amazing. I just forget to look sometimes. So here is a photo journal of my neighborhood. I hope you enjoy.

Here, I am walking from our compound down the road to the local “7-11”

Beautiful Mt. Meru poking through the trees...

At our destination.

The shack. Oh, how I love thee!

I really do love chillin’ on the porch। Our favorite vendor is at the vodacom window. And while I shouldn’t be drinking soda, its nice to take part in something that feels like home.

This is the view when we turn around from the shack and head back to Cradle. You can see the roof of the director’s home we are building. We currently don’t have a home for our director as she is living in an ADRA house. We can’t wait until construction is complete. The baby home is just on the other side of the construction. Between the full trees and the beautiful sky, its really quite a lovely sight. I’m really lucky to live here.

I think one of the things that I underappreciate is our campus here at ADRA/Cradle of Love. How many people get such a beautiful landscape as this? Here are a few pictures I took of Ashley and some of our babies. It really is an amazing place.

The reality is that I came here really missing some of the modern life, style, architecture, and conveniences that I was so accustomed to in my little world in the United States। But now, the simple act of hanging my clothes on a clotheslines affords me time to talk to God, think about my plans for the future, and reminisce on the people I left back at home. Doing laundry offered me sanctuary in a way that I never, ever expected. And I am so grateful for it. Here’s a glimpse at my sanctuary.

And in this penultimate picture, I am reminded of EVERYTHING that Cradle of Love, Usa River, and Tanzania is to me! Its the downside of relying on the sun for clean clothes and the environmental hazards of burning our own trash. But its mixed with the sweetness of babies playing with their nanny in the yard while a senior monkey makes his way across the green! That’s my Africa in an image. I love it. And I almost missed it because I forgot to stop and just take it all in.

The hope for myself, both here and at home, is that I don’t forget to stop and enjoy the “what is” instead of focusing on the “what isn’t”. God is doing an amazing work. And his greatest creation is found right outside my apartment steps… the sights and sounds of happy little feet. Thanks for visiting my neighborhood with me. Its been fun.

Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo

~Shae

Baby love for the volunteers

2010-09-15T22:38:00.002+03:00

So many former volunteers peruse this blog in hopes of seeing "their baby". I am going to be that person one day --- always searching and never ceasing --- just holding out for one glimpse of the children I fell in love with! So, in honor of those volunteers, I have thrown in some random pictures and facts on our babies.

Eric is growing so big. He is in constant motion and annoyed that I made him stop crawling for a picture!

Witness is so funny! She sits up well and is crawling. Well, she is dragging her feet behind her but has started pushing up on her knees. She understands the concept of crawling and tries VERY HARD. But no worries, this child gets around very well and doesn't wait for anyone to hand her toys. She goes and finds them herself! Way to go Witi!

Abdi is the darling of the big house. Unfortunately, holding his bottle is all he has achieved since moving over from the nursery. I think that we all love him so much that we don't make him work very hard. And this is a problem. Babies need to be encouraged to hit milestones. It is not always good to do everything for them. Sorry Abdi. We'll do better... if you stop being so cute!

Amina just left us yesterday to go home with her Grandmother. [Mikaila -- some children don't have mommies and daddies. So, sometimes, they live with someone else. And that is why Amina went to live with her Grandma.] Amina is such a little precious soul that I wanted to share some pictures of her with you. When I am on better internet, I will post a video of her identifying people by their names. Her English had gotten SOOOO good before she left. We love you and miss you Amina!!!!

Jacob is really trying to talk now! Its soft and I have to REALLY pay attention, but babbling back to him and asking him to repeat my words is helping him to learn.

Joshua is such a fun kid. He just moved over from the nursery to the big house. He is sitting up on his own and LOVES to be in the walker. He cruises around Cradle at a high rate of speed. Here, Ellie is trying to knock him over to get to a toy but he is so strong that she is unsuccessful.

Then, of course, we have my precious little Happy! She is adding on weight every week and she is eating like a champion! I am trying to upload video where you see her getting mad at me. Apparently, she was annoyed that I was on the floor taking pictures instead of holding her. And so, she was letting me know her displeasure. Its so cute because her voice isn't that loud! Love you Happy girl!

NOTE TO SELF # 11 - Take more pictures. Of everything and everyone. We all grow and change so quickly that its important to capture life as we are living it. You will never regret taking the time to do that.

~Shae

The plumbstress and the Pendo

2010-09-11T23:33:00.000+03:00

We are very blessed at Cradle of Love as our long term volunteers have finally arrived and the apartment is full for the first time in three months. But with the added volume of people comes the added strain on our kitchen sink. We're lucky to have one so we really want to care for it the bast way we know how. Luckily, volunteer Ashley has taken her domesticity to new heights and is venturing into the world of plumbing. She wasn't able to completely fix our clogged AND leaking sink (oxymoron, I know) but she gallantly tried. Way to go Ash! Here are a few more pictures of her giving it her best shot.

So, I have more news regarding our little fighter, Pendo. Yesterday, her mother and older sister were able to come for a 6 hour visit. This was much to the delight of our little Pendo. She didn't smile but her little body was at such peace. I held Pendo for an hour after they left and she just clung to me for comfort. I understand her need for closeness. So today, I was more tolerant of her clinginess.

I will say that I had to endure a procedure with her that I did not like witnessing. While she has been drinking and eating special porridge, two days ago she became disinterested. Sabbath afternoon, our nurse made the decision to put in another feeding tube and get more liquids in Pendo's system. But now that Pendo has gained some strength, she fought the tube. After two very earnest attempts, we were unable to get the tube to stay in her stomach. I held Pendo's head, neck, and arms, and I could feel the tube scratching the back of Pendo's throat. As she coughed and gagged, I could literally feel the tube coming back up and start feeding into her mouth and nasal cavity. I was calm but had to turn my head away because I couldn't watch this poor child vomit and struggle. So our nurse gave her a scolding and told her that we would leave the tube out for now if Pendo would drink 5 ozs. of formula. Pendo COMPLETELY understood our nurse as she turned her head away and didn't want to listen. But then the nurse held the tube up to her one more time and Pendo seemed to come to an agreement.

So, I gently took our sick little girl, her 5 ozs. of baby formula, and sat in the playroom with the other nannies and children to start the arduous process of getting Pendo to drink. Our nurse taught me the words to say to her in Swahili to get her to take in all the formula. And do you know what? That child sat for me and drank all her formula. She curled up to me -- her boney little body, all twisted and damaged by malnutrition-- trying to find the most comfortable spot against my chest. Now, I'm not going to lie... it took almost an hour and a half to get 5 ounces in her. But we did it. I kept talking to her in Swahili, encouraging her, and reminding her of what a good girl she was with each swallow. The nannies kept pointing and watching and talking about me and Pendo. But I didn't mind. She was drinking her formula and that was all that mattered. When she had finished, she fell asleep in my arms exhausted. And for the first time, she didn't cry when I laid her down. That was a different story this evening when I put her to bed. But I guess I am just happy that she has enough strength to cry. I know that God brought her to us, if not for her, but to help her mother care for the older sister. And that is something that I take comfort in myself. Here is one more picture of us from tonight. We're tired, but we posed for the camera!

And on a side note... Karen Minner's family asks each of us on September 11, Karen's birthday, to do a good deed... in Karen's name or "just because". You can find out more about Karen's life on facebook or karenminner.com. I went to school with her at Southern Adventist University, many moons ago. Unfortunately, Karen is no longer with us. So this September 11 was Sabbath and usually one of my days off. But I made the decision to work with our babies in honor of Karen. She dedicated a year of her life to missions and helping children in need. My prayer is that my work this day, and every day, reflects the same spirit and commitment she had while on this earth.

Imani Tumaini na Upendo,
~Shae

Oh, and I heard your outcry and I observed your protests. The blog stays public. And we will never speak of this again.

An update on Pendo

2010-09-08T23:37:00.001+03:00

I have had a very long and tiring day. Hit the baby home at 8:30 a.m. for worship, left after feeding them breakfast, and headed to Arusha for baby home shopping. Five hours later we returned, where I then ran outside to spend time with the babies who were freshly awake from their afternoon naps. Before I knew it, we were feeding supper and getting ready for bed. So 10 hours later... I was finally home. Oh, man, am I tired! But it was a good day. I was unable to adjust my blog, so you get a few more days of public viewing. Here are some updated pictures of Pendo and our amazing nurse, Batilda. A big THANK YOU to Elly S. (Tami C.'s niece) who sent me all the samples of Eucerin cream and lotion. Poor little Pendo has so many open cuts, tears, and sores on her skin due to malnurishment. We were able to rub some of the Eucerin ointment on her head sores. You will notice in one of the pictures, she holds on to the tube of ointment. Later that evening, I held her on my lap-- for about an hour or so. She kept twisting the cap on that little tube... the only energy she has... to mimic play. She started to whine and laid the tube in my hand. I just thought she was weak and tired and didn't want to hold the tube any longer. Oh, but that was not the case. She started to rub her little cracked, scaly fingers across mine and i realized she wanted me to rub the ointment on her hands. As I started to gently and carefully move the ointment along the terribly dry and damaged skin, she opened her hand and would slowly point to every cut and torn area of skin. She is so bright... and I am the slow one in this scenario. She saw this moment as an opportunity to advocate for her own care, and she was trying to tell me how to help her. It was a strange and beautiful moment. And one that I will never forget for as long as I live. Never.

So sorry everybody

2010-09-07T19:54:00.001+03:00

I have loved writing my blog every few days/everyweek and feel so lucky to have technology that allows me to do so. I know that it gets boring for some of you to check in. But I am still appreciative of those who do. Believe me when I tell you that you guys are always on my mind and I write to carry the conversation with you. It keeps me sane and makes me feel connected to you somehow.

Today it was brought to my attention that I am offending individuals with the content of my blog. So I will be moving this blog to private viewing as to avoid unnecessary distractions. I am so sorry if this causes added work on all of our parts. Some of you may be regular readers. But if I dont have your email addresses, you will no longer be able to view the contents. Just message me with your information and i will try to get it available to you.

On a side note, Pendo ate with a spoon tonight!!! I sat with her for a few hours. It was painful for me to watch her struggle with nutrition. But even more painful for her, I am sure. Afterwards, I gave her water and tried to lay her down and she cried "mama, mama" and with her tiny, weak little hands, clung to me for comfort. She scratched at me so hard that her skin broke open and separated from her bone. I pulled her close to me and held her for another 30 minutes... then laid her down... left her... and cried for another 30 minutes alone in my room. If ever there was a time when I wanted to scream at my helplessness and frustration... its tonight.

Past volunteers, visitors, and friends, if you want to read something that PERFECTLY depicts how we all feel after serving our short time here at Cradle, visit Ashley's blog at

http://wolfecrossing.wordpress.com

the blog title is "falling in love". Start with her second paragraph and read to the bottom. Its beautiful.

With love (upendo) -

~Shae

Girls, Girls, Girls...

2010-09-06T16:28:00.000+03:00

The last 26 posts were done in a specific order under specific titles. Can you guess the special way in which they were titled? Sara Hueneke and Karen Bonet do not get to guess. They have known all along! Anyway, I lucked out that many of the titles PERFECTLY matched the subject of the blog. But for the next month, the titles are just random. Nothing special. At least for now...

So here are a few pictures of my girls from this weekend before I headed off to Arusha to care for little Emmy Love. She is pictured at the end. Enjoy.

This is Helena. Notice the 'not-so-happy' Happy in the background!

The results of spoiling Happy! She gets ticked when I don't pick her up...

Apparently, Ellie is annoyed too. Man, all these high-maintenence girls! Sheesh.

So I decide to pick them both up and this is what happens...

"Um, you want us to do what?"

"I said, you can both sit on my lap but play nice."

"Can't we come up with a better solution, Shae-Shae" (notice the Happy tongue background)

"She's bothering me Shae-Shae."

"I'm bigger than her... I should have a lap all to myself!"

Finally peace was restored to the Cradle yard.

So, I left those troublemakers and headed west to Arushatown!
This is little Emmy, playfully enjoying her time alone with the Shae today.

NOTE TO SELF # 10 - I want to be a mom... but God, please only give me one baby at a time. And self, if you are blessed with multiples, thank God for giving you this experience in handling 50 babies, so that two or three babies won't seem so bad!!!!

~Shae

Z - end

2010-09-04T00:11:00.000+03:00

DUE TO THE GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF MALNUTRITION AND DISEASE, PLEASE READ THIS BLOG WITH CAUTION AND RESPECT TO THE IMAGE THAT FOLLOWS. (this is a repost as I have changed the picture from the original posting)

I have been sitting here for a while now, debating about what I would write for this blog. I have had an interesting few days and I have been a little focused on self. And thats ok sometimes. But today marks a new phase in this mission to Tanzania. I initially came here to Africa to offer myself as a missionary. My loyalties were to God, Organization X, Cradle of Love, and then everyone and everything else. Now, my loyalties are so different. Today, I am reminded of what the mission can be and what it should be. And as I am quickly approaching the half-way mark on my time here in Tanzania, I want my blogs to reflect the mission. Sometimes they will be funny. Sometimes serious. But always honoring the only thing that comes after God and before EVERYTHING else... and that loyalty is the one I hold with our babies here at Cradle of Love.

Some of the other volunteers and I made a decision a long time ago to never show pictures that would terrorize, exploit, belittle, objectify, or dishonor a child in any way. Furthermore, we decided that any image that only elevated our needs and aggrandize our situation, but did not serve the children any purpose, would also been inappropriate to post. So it is with MUCH consideration and review of that pact we all made regarding published images, that I share with you the picture below. (Image has been changed since original post was published-- as this is less graphic and in keeping with my original commitment of photo sharing).

Her name is Penda (its actually Pendo. I made a type before!)- and that means love. Her full story can be found on the Cradle of Love website where you will find this same picture. I am still unsure how long I will keep this photo up or if I will delete it altogether. My heart is conflicted. She is a 2 year old child who has a name, a family, and hopefully the chance for a future. And I don't want her to be a statistic for my blog. I want her to have the opportunity to fight.

But this, right here, is the mission. Thank you to everyone who supports us at Cradle of Love. Your support allows us to not worry about where we are going to get our next box of wipes and nappy rash cream. But instead, we can rely on you to take care of those needs, and allow us to work on the needs most critical. Like Penda. Your prayers and support are not going to help a nameless child. You are helping THIS child right here.

~Shae

UPDATE ON PENDO: Our nurse made the decision to insert a feeding tube to best get nutrition into this sick little girl. We are only putting infant formula and warm water into her now as not to shock her delicate system, but to get her organs functioning properly. When her body starts adjusting to the nutrition, we will then add vitamin drops and higher caloric liquids. We are battling time. But its worth the fight!!

You've got to reach out

2010-09-02T23:28:00.000+03:00

I didn't want to wake up a roommate to take a picture of me. But I wanted you to see the joy. So here I am. Today was one of the most emotionally taxing days since being here in Tanzania. And I've had some tough days over the last nine weeks. So that is saying a lot. My gamut of emotion was actually unexpected. But it was good. Because today, I realized how different I am, how much I have grown, and how silly lucky I am. Silly lucky! Today, I had to welcome people from the United States who really hurt me and let me down upon my arrival here at the Cradle of Love. But I welcomed them with excitement and I tried to do it honorably. In the short two hours they were here, I heard that some of them had a life changing experience. If they only knew how much deeper and TRULY life changing it gets after being here with these children for MORE than two hours, they would never have left. I have now been here over two months and I am convinced that even with all the things that I have learned about orphanages, children, GOD, culture, people and myself... that I have only scratched the surface. I have so much to learn. So much. So. Much. But God chose me to be here. And I'm really lucky he did.

And I have to tell you friends.... tears well up in my eyes as I type this... that I have seen God today. Ok, I'm not claiming that I have seen seen God, but I feel his love, mercy, grace, and friendship pour out in the form of a bag of material things. I know it may sound stupid, but receiving all the donated items from you guys in the United States just fills my heart. I have been thinking about this day for WEEKS now. And please don't misunderstand, its not that I am excited about the stuff. I am excited about seeing the reflection of your love and support. I am excited about seeing the letter that was so beautifully (and heartfelt) prepared for me. I am excited about touching the things that you touched. The things that you thought about and planned for and bought and sent and coordinated and, and, and. Ok, I am excited about the skittles and my flat iron. You have to give me something to be a little selfish about! Whatev. But I am most excited that --for those of you who believe in God-- you have allowed him to do a good work in you in the form of gathering things for our needs here. And for those of you who believe in something a little different-- whatever that may be-- thank you for being inspired to help. Its just so amazing. So many of you have heard me and seen me say it before; I am only successful because of the love and support you give me.

So I will repeat what I stated before. I am a silly lucky woman. Silly lucky. So, my tears are done. Lets get down to business!!!

I took pictures of everything that I received. Unfortunately, my director here at Cradle of Love didn't understand the excitement and emotional implications of receiving your gifts today, so she dumped the bag out in her office and started opening stuff without me!!! When I walked into her office and saw "our stuff" everywhere I was devastated. I was looking forward to opening the bag and pulling out each little surprise-- but I am a big girl and I can get over the dissapointment. Anyway, I tried to gether everything up and I took it to my apartment. Here are the pictures of it all. Please leave comments or send emails and let me know WHO donated WHAT! Even if it was a note and a bag of Skittles (Thanks Mrs. Tillman!), I want to know. EVERY SINGLE THING IS A BLESSING TO ME AND TO OUR BABIES!

I heard that this came from Rachel Scherwin's sister. Are you kidding me with this? These are BEAUTIFUL. I think they are too nice for us to use!!! I found pins too. Also from the sister? Everyone, feel free to chime in with the info.

I am really loving my own "medical kit". Its cute. And it comes from my mother. Something that every child should get from mom... nomatter what the age. Thanks for taking the time hear me and to care about my needs. A girl needs this sometimes.

Ok, these cloth nappies look special ordered! Tania Hufanda, do you take credit for this? Whomever made these happen... they are amazing. Thank you. And btw, Tania, thank you for coordinating the packing of all these things. Taping up the ziploc was so instrumental as the NyQuil leaked but everything was protected. Again, thanks is cheap. But its what I have to offer. And its so sincere.

40. Four-Oh. In swahili- arobaini. Thats the number of diaper rash creams that we received in this package. Now, I know that was a team effort. Thank you so much! Awesome. Forty. I still can't believe it.

We never seem to remember to get lotion on these kids! And some of our babies and toddles are scratching the hell out of their skin from dryness and dermatitis. THANK YOU for the small individual packets of lotions. I am handing them out to volunteers tomorrow and telling them to go to town on some of our children's skin.

Thank you to the Stovash, Case, & Tingley crew for the much needed office supplies. I was trying to explain the rolling white out dispensers to my director here at the baby home. So she was a little excited to see them in person. And pens! And trash bags! You guys are too much. I want a list of names of those who contributed! I know some of you put in so much effort. I could have never imagined how much you guys were pulling for me and the babies here. Silly lucky.

Items from my own stash in storage (thanks Chad and Susan) and items that are new. But one thing perplexes me... the black shoes. You see, I had these exact pair of shoes when I worked at SCT. But I wore the heck out of them and thought I had gotten rid of them. But then these show up and I honestly have no idea if they are new or if I am so delirious with emotions that I am actually looking at my old shoes. Help! the bottom of the soles have scuff which seem like worn shoes... but not enough scuff to be ACTUAL worn shoes... what am I missing here? Karina, did you buy these for me? I must be delirious??? Anyway, I am THRILLED to have them.

Letter from home. Enough said.

Its midnight here in Tanzania, and I need to go to bed. Thank you. An entire village has seen to my needs. I am so proud and I love that I can brag about you, my AMAZING friends. The babies and I send you love.

~Shae

X

2010-08-31T13:54:00.001+03:00

...5, 6, 7, 8,who do we appreciate??

Well, I am currently appreciating my friends Susan and Chad Hess. They do so much for me stateside. To say "thank you" is just not enough. So, my THANK YOU will include a picture that I commandeered from one of their sites. Don't be mad, S & C. I just wanted everyone to see your smiling faces and know that I love you and I am so proud to have you in my life. I'm the lucky girl in this friendship. You guys got screwed being stuck with me!!! Hahaha. Love you!

Ok, this blog is short because the ONE baby I am caring for today is currently taking her afternoon nap, and I am off to join her. I return to Cradle of Love today, where I will no longer have one baby... but 49 babies. So I figure that I need to rest up while I can.

If you want to see even more pictures of the babies and hear about life from another volunteer's perspective, please visit Ashley's blog at the address below. I tried to hyperlink it, but was unsuccessful. So, just cut and paste and enjoy her blog. BTW, she was the volunteer from "tales from the crib". The second installment of tftc is coming soon.

http://wolfecrossing.wordpress.com/

Note to self #9 - Sleep. Everything else can wait. Just sleep.

~Shae

We are broken

2010-08-29T00:53:00.001+03:00

“There’s one thing we know. There is one thing I can say. If you wanna find God, you can find God with the poor. And that’s the one thing we know about God. Its that God is always with the poor and the most vulnerable. God is in the slums and those kids playing house in cardboard boxes. God is in the cries heard under the rubble of war. God is in those people that have no where else to turn. That's where you will find God. And that’s, you know, not every reason why I am here. But its certainly one of the blessings, on my life, is being able to serve the poor because it gives me something. “

~ commenting on his travels through Africa, Paul Hewson, activist and philanthropist, a/k/a Bono, rockstar and lead singer of U2

But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
No more

~Steven Curtis Chapman

James 1:2-4
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Cause we are broken/what must we do to restore/our innocence/and oh, the promise we adored/give us life again/’cause we just want to be whole.

~Josh Farro and Hayley Williams

There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children.
Nelson Mandela

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever Young

The above picture is the backside of our gate and the Cradle of Love sign from inside our walls. This is the last thing you see before exiting our home. I thought it was very fitting with the first line of the lyric being "May the Good Lord be with you down every road you roam". Here's to hoping that, despite our own frailties and faults, we served our babies well. And that they find a place in this world that is all their own!

~Shae

Vision

2010-08-26T20:19:00.001+03:00

I want to thank the volunteer who brought these green sheets and left them prior to my arrival at Cradle of Love. There were many bed linens left for our use and I am very grateful. I don’t think I could have fit one more thing into my luggage!! Apart from that, please note the pile of tissues laid out on my floor. I’m not sure, but this picture may represent a bad night! I could not have made it through the last couple of days without the use of this fantastic little product. I’m telling you, its magical. MAGICAL!

If I ever was going to endorse a brand, Alka-Seltzer Plus FLU would be the one! Oh my goodness. I only vomited once, but I had SEVERE body aches, congestion, cough, runny nose, and headache. I think that I have a nasty sinus infection. And unless you have ever had that to the extreme, you have no idea how bad your body feels. However, I managed. I will say that in the middle of the night/morning (its 4:30 a.m. as I am writing this) I got very frustrated and threw down my empty bottle of cough syrup. Its from England and it tastes NASTY. But in a pinch, it will do the trick. Well, my frustration of being unable to sleep due to cough and congestion got the best of me and I tossed it to the floor. ITS A GLASS BOTTLE! But as you can see from the picture, its still intact. Amazing.

Anyway, I will only be here at Cradle for a few more days and then I get a little reprieve. We had an American family volunteer here this summer and they just returned this week to see about adoption of one of our babies. In a twist and turn that can only be the hand of God, the family and extended family of this baby agreed to the adoption and in a matter of three days, the adoptive family had acquired the advocate, social services, proper housing, release of child, and consent to adoption and was given permission to start foster care of this child! Unfortunately, they came this week on a fact finding mission. They never dreamed that they would find the family, get consent, find an attorney, get physical custody, etc., etc. SO, they have returned to the states to finish up some needed business and have asked me and another volunteer to stay with their baby here in Tanzania while they finish up at home. Me and another volunteer will rotate every few days caring for this child. We would not normally step away from our duties here at Cradle. But this family has been so instrumental in assisting us with some of our needs here at the baby home, that it seems like a small sacrifice to make. We have three new long term volunteers arriving from Germany next week so our help will increase and we couldn’t be happier!

Here’s our baby girl who will hopefully have her adoption finalized in a few months.

On a side note, please pray for our director here at Cradle of Love. She has arrived home from her three month vacation in the states. People from the outside look at all of our pictures here and see the cute baby faces and the semi-modern facility and think that we have it pretty good here. And in many ways, we do have it good for living in a third world country. But the reality is that life here is not easy. Yesterday alone, we lost power three times, were without water for over an hour, had two babies vomit on volunteers, had to drive a half hour or more into town just to buy formula and diapers, technology that didn’t work (and no clear way to fix it as WE are the repairmen!), and foliage in bloom that sends allergies into high gear. And again, that was just yesterday. I haven’t discussed the bush babies that climb through the dog door and scamper around the kitchen eating everything in site! Or the dirty market you must parade through only to haggle for the simplest price. To anyone on the outside, not living it everyday, its seems exciting and a fun challenge. But to those who do live it everyday, and to our director who has lived it for years, its gets so exhausting. And it will make anyone struggle to come back. I mean, in our apartment, we have electicity but it won't seem to work in every room! And I know in the big picture, that seems petty. But its frustrating when we’ve had an “electrician” take a look at it several times. Its right within our grasp of normalcy, but not! Because this is Africa. Its a tease. You get so close to normal life, only to have it constantly interrupted. Africa reminds you that there is an easier life out there… but that easier life isn’t available to you. And for someone who has lived it for so many years, it will wear you down. So again, please pray for her to be able to connect again with the mission and to be able to press through the struggles. Because peace in a life like this is sometimes hard to come by. And WE ALL need some prayers.

~Shae

Until Tomorrow

2010-08-22T07:37:00.000+03:00

Welcome to the first installment of “tales from the crib.” Starring Grace,with special guest Agness, and introducing volunteer Ashley. Created, Written, and Directed by Shae-Shae.

“Welcome gentle reader. My name is Grace. Come close and I’ll tell you a little tale of life here in the C-R-I-B! Sssshhhhh. We must be sneaky. These babies to my right and left pretend that they are asleep. Hogwash! I have it on good authority that one handsome fella is a spy for the “other side” of campus. Word in the tub is that he’s moving to the big house soon and he’s trying to dig up "poo” on us to fit in with the cool kids over there. But whatever. I’ve got him all figured out!”

“But anyway, I’m really in a conundrum here. You see, life in the C-R-I-B at Nursery City is quite hectic. Everyone is in everyone else’s business. Just yesterday, I was woken up to the sounds of chatter by our friendly gossip Agness. Oh, she’ll swear that she’s not a gossip, but I can prove that she’s nothing more than an eavesdropper and troublemaker.”

“I am not an evesdropper or troublemaker! I don’t know what you are talking about. I am just a concerned citizen of Nursery City. Its not my fault that your crib touches mine. Take that up with Mayor Church.”

“See, gentle reader? Point made.”

“Anyway, enough with my nosey neighbor, let me show you around my ‘hood. When people come to visit at Nursery City, they get all caught up in the bright lights and flashy cribs. But you don’t really know a place until you’ve seen it from the inside- out. Lets take this journey together, shall we?”

“I think that something is happening over there-“

“Ssshhhh, put your head down, and peek through the slats. Remember, you have to be stealth here at the C-R-I-B. Just keep quiet and BE COOL. No one will suspect that you are watching anything. Come, take a look from my perspective…”

“Nuthin’ from this view… lets take a look from another angle.”

“Man, I’m looking around and still I don’t see what’s up? But I can hear Agness chattering in my ear again. What is up with that girl???? So annoying!”

“ Ah ha! Spotted! The woman in blue. I heard my nanny say her name was Ashley. Honestly, I don’t know WHAT is up with her? She is always so happy and singing and helpful. Just look at her … she’s making funny faces at Joshua. Its so uncouth. I mean, what’s next? Prompt nappie changes and warm bottles? Gosh, they just let anyone in this town. Well, there goes the neighborhood…”

“Ok, gentle reader, Agness is chatting in my ear… something about ‘giving a better tour’ or ‘I have a prettier smile, all the visitors love me’ nonsense. I don’t want my cover blown, so I am just going to let Agness take over for a little bit. Until later… here’s Aggie!”

“Its about time you recognize! Oh hi readers! Agness here, let me tell you a little about Nursery City. Everyone is so helpful and friendly. Nothing too crazy happens here. Its just all….

“…relaxation with friends….”

“… times spent in intellectual thought……”

“….oh, and the occasional REGURGITATION. No big. “

“I guess Nursery City isn’t for the faint at heart. I don’t know what that old cynic, Gracie, told you. But life here in the C-R-I-B is really great. I love being here and you will too. So stop by for a visit. And maybe you can help me figure out what that busy-body Grace is up to. I know she has a plan cooking! Word in the bouncy chair park is that she’s a spy for the big house! But ssshhhhh! You didn’t hear that from me!”

CREDITS:

GRACIE LOU as a stealthy resident

AGNESS as the nosey neighbor

ASHLEY WOLFE as the new volunteer

and

SH-SH-SHUH-SHAE as the creative genius behind “tales from the crib” who just happens to take ridiculous pictures with bunny shaped bath towels.

Tolorance

2010-08-18T13:42:00.000+03:00

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING BLOG THAT WAS FIRST PUBLISHED AT FLORIDA HOSPITAL CHURCH WEBSITE. I HAVE, WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF ITS AUTHOR, REPOSTED HERE. THIS IS AN ISSUE THAT HAS A LOT OF MEANING FOR ME RIGHT NOW AND I HOPE THAT YOU WILL TAKE THE TIME TO READ WHAT WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN BY MR. MCDONALD.

Sunday, August 15, 2010
Religious Liberty for All? by Andy McDonald

With President Obama’s strong statement in support of the followers of Islam’s right to build a Mosque in New York near the site of the fallen twin towers, the issue is more in the news than ever. At the heart of the question is one of the treasured values of our United States of America, the very first amendment to our constitution:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."

With all the rhetoric and fear mongering, it seems many no longer support this valuable and national strength-building piece of our constitution. It sounds like some, even Christians, wish for it to call for religious freedom unless you are Muslim. The early leaders of our “free” nation were all too familiar with state churches and the mandating of some religious test for holding office. In this new land of freedom, Jefferson was particularly interested in both “freedom of and freedom from religion!”

It is good that our nation never adopted a “state church” and instead has been a place where religious freedom was highly valued. Sure, there are religions and sects and spiritual teachings we may think we would be better off without, but our stance has been that religion’s free exercise is between a believer and their “god” regardless of anyone’s opinion.

Mosque, temple or church, local authorities can make it as difficult as they choose to build and occupy a facility. But as long as the codes are followed, and as long as they are applied equally to all, freedom must be maintained.

Undoubtedly, many who support the Muslim’s right to religious freedom simply wish those of that faith who are involved in the building of the structure might be more sensitive to their chosen location in NYC considering it was extremists from the Muslim faith who were responsible for the 9/11 attack.

This all reminds me of Pastor Martin Niemöller’s famous, "First they came ..."

"THEY CAME FIRST for the Communists,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

THEN THEY CAME for the trade unionists,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

THEN THEY CAME for the Jews,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

THEN THEY CAME for me

and by that time no one was left to speak up."

Seventh-day Adventists have a long track record of being major supporters of “religious liberty.” Our eschatology predicts a day when religious freedoms will be repudiated with a return to a religious-political rule. Speaking up now in support of the First Amendment may help us not repeat Niemöller’s experience. Freedom for all!

Andy McDonald

Sing us a song and we’ll sing it back to you

2010-08-16T07:39:00.001+03:00

I have so many more interesting stories to tell you and so many more things that I want to share that are not baby related, but I know that you are here to see babies! So, without further adieu, here are some pictures of our babies in their new clothes donated by the lovely Eileen Dolan and her mother! Hope you enjoy seeing the babies in their new clothes as much as we enjoy that they have them. If anyone else would like to donate, please donate socks and pj’s. We have lots of new clothes, but not enough shoes, socks, and jammies!

I took these pictures yesterday in the midst of singing and playing “ring-around-the-rosie”. The children are so cute when they try to sing their little songs and mimic what we sing to them. BINGO just ends up being N-G-O. They somehow don’t get the “B” and “I” part of the song. But thats ok. Its still cute. So, again, drool over the cuteness that is my Elinipa and friends. Tanzania is crazy if they think that I am really going to get on that plane in December without my little girl. Oh, I’m in such trouble…

Mark in his new duds! He came to us emaciated and dehydrated, but look at him now! He wears clothes that fit 18 month olds…but he’s only 7 months. He’s our a little blessing… all smiles and giggles!

Ellie poses for the camera!

Happy in purple. A good combination. And guess what else? She drank 6 ozs. from a bottle yesterday. Go Happy girl! Shae-Shae can sleep easier at night now!

Ashley and Maxi chillin’ with Peter and Hidaya.

(L to R) Lazaro, Hope, and Rahma ---- a lethally cute combination!

Rahma loves her some Shae-Shae. I didn’t want to take a picture but she insisted. So here we go. Ebony and Ivory.

Lets hear it for the boys. They were so proud to show off their new clothes. Lazaro did his own little fashion show. It was precious! He knew EXACTLY who had new clothes on and he brought them to me for pictures. It was like he was the fashion director and we were the press at his show. So cute.

Amina was singing to Happy and trying to help her clap. It was precious.

Ring-around- the- rosie

Can’t wait to hear from all of you. Taking today off and relaxing in the apartment. But of course, I spend my time looking at pictures of all the children and hearing their sweet sounds from their home downstairs. Such sweet sounds. I could get used to this forever.

~Shae

Riot!/Rewind

2010-08-12T22:17:00.000+03:00

I realize that I haven't shown you guys any of the city of Arusha. I've talked on and on about Cradle but haven't shown you any images of all the rest. Here are a few pictures of life here in the city/towns/my hood. I will write a few captions for some. But overall, these are pictures taken on the main road from Usa River (where I live) to Arusha (the closest major city). There are many dala dalas (van taxis), trucks, taxis (white, toyota, and several years old!), and land rovers/jeeps. Hope you enjoy the pictures. Write with any questions.

how many africans, white ppl, and goats can you stuff into a toyota van?

alternative modes of unlicensed transport.

the rare red vehicle!

where my ppl at?

Look at that little cutie poking his head up!

side roads... take "off roading" to a whole new dimension!

Cow. randomly tied to the side of the road. so common.

I'm very tired so I am just going to let you do the rewind and pretend that i gave you this glimpse into Arusha a long time ago! Thank you peeps. Now, I'm off to bed. My mosquito net is already unwound and ready to cover my bed. Oh sweet slumber....

~Shae

Quiet evening

2010-08-10T18:04:00.001+03:00

First of all, let me say that I am ok. I am fine. It all could have turned out so much worse.

So now that I have that disclaimer out of the way, I am sure that you all are awaiting the news on why I felt the need to make this disclaimer! This weekend I went to the movies and then camping with volunteer friends and took a much needed two day hiatus from the Cradle. I love being here. But it sometimes gets overwhelming and you just need to do something fun. So, as you can see from my pictures, we went to to the only cinema in town and enjoyed the only movie they had playing in English… ECLIPSE! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! I got to see a Twilight movie in Tanzania! How cool is that!?! They only have two screens here and the other screen always plays a bollywood/hindi movie. I think one day I will watch one just to say that I did. It will be fun.

Anyway, we had a great weekend in the nature of Africa. We were quite tired and dirty and so excited to get back to showers, food, and actual toilets! The company that had arranged our trip was driving us home. We were having a great conversation with some of the men from the company when IT happened. Less than 2 miles from our final destination, an apparently drunk driver pulled out of his lane to pass a dala dala (van taxi) and pulled DIRECTLY into our lane to hit our car head on. Our driver was already going at a slow rate of speed and tried to maneuver us into the shoulder as to avoid collision. The head-on driver swerved back into his lane to avoid hitting us head on, but due to the thick amount of night traffic, did not have enough room to fall back in line and swerved again towards us. And in a matter of 10 seconds, he had T-boned our car—and crashed into the back passenger door where I was sitting. Immediately, I was buzzed. I realized that I had slammed my head into the frame of the car, but nothing else seemed injured. No blood. No broken bones. But I was confused. My two friends with me starting talking to me to make sure I was ok, but for some reason I couldn’t talk. I thought I was answering their questions, but my brain was so jolted that I couldn’t get the words out! But when the fog was lifted from my brain, all I could see was 30-50 Tanzanian men SWARMING our car. Our driver was injured, but he was concerned for us and our safety. He and the other men from the company in the car with us would NOT let us out of the car and insisted that we not move. They were arguing with the people gathered around our car. It was total chaos.

Friends, I am not a scared person. I will walk places by myself and I am not afraid to try new experiences and to put myself out there. But when you have just been in an accident, you are in an unfamiliar country, and you have 50 Tanzanian men talking a mile a minute in Swahili and trying to get to you (and mostly our things) inside the car, its scary! At one point, someone from the outside had gotten one of the passenger doors open and the men inside our car start screaming at the man and reached behind and got the door shut and locked it tight. The men with us insisted that we NOT get out of the car. They were trying to protect us from the throng of people outside, while recovering from the crash themselves. And this all happened in a matter of minutes after the accident. I don’t know where all these Tanzanians came from. But it was pitch black. We were banged up. And had no way of knowing how this was going to play out. I was a little afraid.

But God had a plan that he had put into place a few months ago. When I arrived here, I was introduced to a young man named Almas. He worked for a local taxi company, and had been so punctual and fair with his taxi service, that we started using him for everything! He takes volunteers to the airport, to the market, and to fun activities. He escorts us to the hospital when we have sick babies and stays until treatment is complete, then drives us home. He never asks for more than what he is owed, and if we don’t have money at the moment, he just takes care of us anyway and says that he’ll get money from us later. He is a GOD SEND and in our moment of chaos from the crash, he was there! I called him from inside our crashed vehicle….dazed and confused… and pleaded for him to come find us. All I could really tell him was what road we were on and my approximation to where we might be! And in a miracle that can only be from God, he was there within 5 minutes! He pushed through the crowd to “find his wazungus”. He gathered us up and had a friend who lives RIGHT AT THE ACCIDENT SITE help get us through the crowd. No one bothered us as he got us safely inside his vehicle. He even searched through the wrecked vehicle to make sure that all of our things were intact and that no one had taken any of our stuff. Honestly, I cared more about our safety than our stuff. But this is Almas…. our knight in shining armor!!

In the few minutes it took to get back to campus, I started to vomit. As much as I hate to admit it, I had my first concussion. One of the friends/volunteers who was with me, Eilleen, is a Pediatrician. She and my other friend, Carolyn, were not injured in the accident. Just sore and bruised. Unfortunately, I vomited a few more times that night and Eilleen kept a close watch on me to make sure it was a mild concussion and nothing more. But I can say now that I am fine. I have the biggest knot on my head and feel like a sledge hammer was taken to my brain, but otherwise I am just sore. God REALLY blessed us and kept us relatively safe. It could have turned out so differently. I am very lucky….no… I am very cared for! God is good and had his hand in all of this. We are really ok.

So here are a few pictures from my weekend. Praise God for protecting us. Praise God for bringing Almas into my life. I’m really hungry right now. I think I am going to go try to eat something and bring a little peace to my starving stomach!

Carolyn and Eileen. My camping buddies and later car accident crash survivors!

Perfect

2010-08-05T21:13:00.001+03:00

Good afternoon readers! I thought I would start off with the updated picture I promised you of our sweet Happy girl! Just look at that toothless smile! I didn’t even prompt her. She saw me walk in the room and sit down and she cooed for me across the room. So I quickly grabbed my camera and captured this picture. I stripped her down today and her little ribs are no longer poking through. THANK YOU FATHER IN HEAVEN.

I had the privilege of putting her to bed tonight and she cried! Now, I realize that a crying child would not normally be a reason for rejoicing, but when you have a child who is so weak that she ceases to cry, you find her whines and cries to be the most joyous melody. Anyway, here are some more pictures of our beautiful girls. Everyone was wearing pink or cream today. You will see at the end of the pictures our TRIFECTA! Ellie, Witness, and Happy. They are all within 6 weeks old of each other. So cute. Additionally, you will see our sweet “mama” Rahma. My hope is that in her lifetime, we will find a cure for HIV so that she will live long and old enough to be a mama to her own healthy brood. She is so good with the babies. She helped me put Happy to bed tonight and is always such a good helper. I love that girl! I would bring her home with me if I could. But Tanzanian law doesn’t allow. So I will cherish our days like today and enjoy each moment I have with her.

Miriam strikes three poses!
Look at Nancy in that swing. Such a cutie.

Shae-Shae can't resist her snuggles, kisses, and giggles from Happy

Ellie is reminding me that she only loans me out to sick babies. Otherwise, I'm hers!

Isn't this trifecta beautiful??

Oh Star

2010-08-03T22:48:00.000+03:00

Heard today around the baby home:

Nanny Grace: "Shae, look! She is is eating." (holds out Happy and her half eaten bowl of baby cereal)

Shae (to Happy): "You just like giving Shae-Shae a little scare don't you? I was so worried about you and now I think you were just trying to play a joke on me. You were getting me all worked up for nothing."

Happy: ***an unsolicited big smile and a sweet giggle***

Nannies: All laughter at Happy's impromptu response to Shae's inquiry.

Shae: (to herself-- quietly thanks GOD for this moment, knowing that only HE is the reason Happy is strong enough to giggle!)

I don't have an updated picture of Happy, but I will post one tomorrow when I take my camera downstairs to capture her sweet little smile. I just wanted to get you guys an update and to THANK YOU for all your prayers, thoughts, and inquiries into Happy's health. I can only say that there is NO reason for her upturn in health other than God. While it is true that we have given her a lot of extra attention, antibiotics, an overload of vitamins, and force feedings, her condition should not have improved so quickly. However, it was literally hours after I publicly asked for prayers that Happy started to make a change.

God cannot always answer our cries with the result that we want. So we must always be diligent and trust in His plan. Happy is still not out of the woods. Therefore, we must still put our faith in the almighty healer and accept what is to come. But for now... and for always.... I will praise Him for hearing OUR prayers and letting us know that he is listening!

I want to make a special "shout-out" to the employees, donors, friends, and neighbors of Joni Beery and the Florida Blood Center @ the Villages/Lady Lake. Your support of our babies here at Cradle of Love is a beautiful surprise to me. I want to personally thank you for believing in this work that I am doing here and showering our babies with your good thoughts, prayers, love, and donations. I couldn't be successful without you!

And to the rest of my friends, church family, and "chosen" family - you already know what a star each of you are to me! Thank you for your continued support. I know that you are all SICK of me telling you how much I love you and appreciate you. But each of you have shown me love in such special ways. This work is as much YOUR mission as it is mine. And I remind people here of that all the time. I love you again. December 10 will come faster than you think... lets party when I get home!

~Shae

Note to self # 7 – Don’t EVER forget that God is God, and I am not. Crisis is an opportunity for me to let go of the things that I so desperately want to control, and allow Abba Father to show me who, what, where, when, and why HE is. “God our father, once again, we bow our heads to pray. You are our Father and our friend, and you hear every word we say.”

Never let this go

2010-07-30T04:51:00.000+03:00

I think sharing pictures of our children and life here in Usa River is important. But I must always be careful because I don't want to ever exploit our children for my own benefit. Its important to me that I don't just put up pictures of nameless faces. But rather, I want to show you these children as they are; named, loved, character, personality, struggles and successes. It bothers me when people stroll into our baby home and stay for one hour(or less!) to get the "cute picture with the orphans" but don't take any time to really get on the floor and play with our children or feed our children or whatever. I realize that some of these groups have a limited schedule. But taking video or pictures for your own gain is sad. This happened yesterday and I actually started to cry (I'll admit that I am a little tired these days and kinda' stressed). I love the groups who come in and forget all about the camera for a while and just love on our children. THAT is what we should all do. Pictures are good. But satisfying the human condition is better. I digress...

So, now that I have ranted about pictures and babies... look at the picture of Rosie above! (I know, I know, the irony is not lost on me!!!!). After much effort on the part of her parents, Rosie has FINALLY been able to go home! Adoption can be such a struggle, but when you love your child you just never let it go and you fight for them. To the left is Rose's biological father, who along with his brother and Rose's grandfather, made the difficult decision to allow her to be adopted by her mother and father (center and right). Its so special that so many people love her and worked SO HARD to get the best for her. Anyway, we are so grateful to God that this worked out for everyone. Congratulations Jonathan & Rahema on your new baby girl. I won't write about her anymore because she is all yours to love and to share as you see best!

Misery Business

2010-07-29T20:29:00.000+03:00

Pole Jacob!

Our sweet little boy has been enduring walking pneumonia. He had gotten pretty bad and the tears started to flow. Batilda, our wonderful nurse, decided that the best way to treat him would be to open a direct line and get antibiotics directly into his blood stream. The picture below shows the port where she and our volunteer Ashley (a recent nursing graduate) would administer doses of antibiotics. Jacob was a real trooper. He didn't try to pull out the line and none of the other children would mess with it. They would only say "Shaeeee, Shaeeeee, pole! Pole Jacob. " or they would say "owey, Jacob. Jacob sick." (Pole means 'sorry'.)

Luckily, our little Jacob has recovered. No more harsh wheezing. No more fever. No more miserable times. It may seem a little bit of overkill to open access on a child that should be in bed, under a humidifier, oral meds, and tons of vapor rub. But in this situation, where each adult is in charge of 7 or 8 children, even our children with pneumonia won't get the same attention as they would at home. But our children are so resilient! It makes sense why they don't fight things as complicated as IV's. When you are fighting for your life everyday, you cooperate with the things that keep you alive. I don't mean to be dramatic. Its just the honest truth. Would your child run around with a port in his hand and act like nothing was wrong? Something to think about.

And on another side note of misery, please PRAY for our little Happy girl. I am now at the end of week 5 here at Cradle, and I was bothered by the fact that little Happy wasn't getting any bigger. After two days of hemming and hawwing with myself, I finally asked our nurse to weigh her. I had a hunch that Happy wasn't gaining weight. You can image my sad surprise to see that Happy had LOST over 1 kilo which equated to almost 2.5 lbs! We've been struggling for two days to get extra formula and food in her. But she is now refusing some of her food. She goes for tests tomorrow. Pray pray pray for our little Happy. She is over 7 months old and only 9 lbs. WE MUST GET HER WELL!!

Let the flames begin

2010-07-29T20:27:00.001+03:00

My throat is on fire. You all know how much I struggle with allergies and asthma. Its a constant battle I fight in the states under normal, healthy conditions. But I am finding that here, now working on week 5 of my 25 week stay, I am uncomfortable. Luckily, I brought enough pharmaceuticals to get me by. But I wasn’t expecting to be hitting them so hard, so early! Who knew that smoke would be drifting into my window 2 times a day? I understood it would be dusty…. but holy man! So, I thought I would make a list of things I might like to have Stanley bring (if he can!) when he comes in August. There are more than pharmaceuticals on the list. And if it doesn’t work out, its no big deal. But since everyone keeps asking, I thought I would create a simple list.

For Babies: Nappy rash cream, a few cloth nappies, anti-fungal creams, medicine dropper. NO CLOTHES AND NO TOYS PLEASE.

For Shae: Cough Medicine (adult target brand works great because the stuff I bought here is SOOOO gross)

zyrtec (it makes me sleepy, but is better than the allergy meds I brought- and generic works fine ),

airborne ( I think I have extra in my storage unit…it would be in the red medicine tool box), and

my pink flat iron (Susan and Chad have this at their house. I know its frivolous, but a little frivolity is nice sometimes!).

Things are going ok here. I am currently frustrated working in the office. There is more work to do and no training to do it. The other volunteers here only had one day with the director before she left for the states, so they were a limited resource and now they have returned home. Can you imagine preparing information for adoptions, running payroll, shopping for an orphanage, answering all visitor questions, organizing volunteers, pick up, paperwork, and showing them the ropes of an orphanage, telling the staff what they can and should be doing because they are asking your permission to do it, and answering the phones and emails that come in from outside organizations, plus doing immigration paperwork and signing your name to it as an authority to do so? AND ALL WITHOUT TRAINING AND ALL IN THE FIRST WEEK????

Its sometimes tough here. The culture shock alone could have been overwhelming, much less the added responsibility of running the orphanage. And you all know that I am physically incapable of doing anything half-ass! So, I will just keep plugging away and make magic happen… like I always do!

Laters dudes. I am going to take some more dayquil and hope for the best!

~Shae

Keep dreaming upside down

2010-07-18T10:02:00.000+03:00

My life is not so different from anyone else's. I mean, can't you relate to these comforts of home? Lets take a pictorial journey together.

I mean, just look at my electrical plug. Adapters and a power switch on the actual plug? You have that, right?

A porcelain toilet? Now that looks familiar, yes? How about the two optioned, push-buttoned flush? Everyone's got that at home! Completely normal.

And since we are on the subject of gadgets and appliances, how about this hot-plate stove? Who needs coils and glasstops when we've got rust and degrees in Celsius?!?!

Have you seen my newest creation in chakula (food- for all you westerners)? Well, its important to make one meal a week that feels like something from home. So here is my mac and cheese. What? You can't read the arabic on my 'cheese in a can'? What's wrong with you people? Everyone knows arabic. You need to sue your school.

And the way that it just mixes so well with the pasta? Scrumptious.

So, lets talk sleep and upkeep. I love how my skin is changing colors, all on its own. I mean, I can scrub and scrub and scrub, and that rich brown color just won't leave the bottom of my feet. Its so cool. I never knew you could tan the heels of your feet by just walking.

My apartment is so well protected by the gate and the guard. Just look out of my window. I'm living like royalty! And speaking of looking out of my window, check out my bed. I bet you wish you had mosquito nets covering you while you sleep!!!

But I have to confess that my favorite things here that TOTALLY remind me of home are the things that we all have lying around the house that come in a bottle....

Ahhhhhhh, just like home.

Note to self# 6 - Its ok to find humor in unfamiliar and uncomfortable things. Because to laugh about it, means that its ok. And my life is more than ok. Keep swinging with the unfamiliar, Shae. You might come to love all that which you thought you were here to change.

Please leave comments below or email me sometime. I love to get messages from home.

Just like me

2010-07-14T23:50:00.000+03:00

She is so beautiful.

I just cannot put into words the instant attraction I have to all of our children here. This little one you see with me is Happy. And her name, as we understand its definition to be in American English, completely fits her personality. She is so tiny and delicate. And I don't use delicate as a word to invoke emotion. I literally mean that at any time, her tiny little bones feel like they are going to snap off! She is so so so so little. She barely weighs anything (it feels like maybe 6 kilos) and I have to confess that I almost dropped her one afternoon. She was laying across my lap and she was cooing at a toy. Two toddlers were fighting and rolling all over a baby at my feet. I quickly leaned down to break up the two and all of the sudden, I realized Happy was pinching my t-shirt, and REALLY TIGHT! She is so lightweight, that when I bent down to help avoid an injury to the little one under the two toddlers, that I nearly sailed Happy off of my lap! Luckily, she is so bright and such a little fighter, that she grabbed my shirt with her little miniature hands, and held on for dear life! Her body feels like a 4 week old. Its crazy. But, although her body be small, her spirit is big. Just like me! Ok, NOT just like me. My body is not small, but my spirit is big. We have that in common.

When I arrived here, there was a volunteer returning home. The volunteer's name is Rachel, and Happy was "her baby". I didn't fully understand it at the time...but I do now. Rachel had a hard time returning Happy to nannies on that morning of her departure. Her tears said everything that I understand now, that I couldn't have possibly understood then... and will understand better in a few months. So, Rachel, if you are reading this, just know that your baby girl is doing so well! I try to hold little Happy everyday. I give her love in the form of snuggles, kisses, nappy changes, and feedings. We moved babies over from the nursery into the big house, but Happy is still the smallest of our babies. Rachel, I really try to watch out for her. And I know that she is doing great! I can just imagine what that ride to the airport was like for you. Just know that your love for her has helped shape her into the beautiful little creature that I get to hold and love on daily. She was a gift for you while you were here. And I am "happy" to watch over your little gift and keep you posted! Here are a few more pictures. I challenge you all not to cry. She is so darn cute!

If it does not exist

2010-07-10T21:04:00.000+03:00

I love a good party. I love the gathering of people. I love the fun food. I LOVE the cake. And I love the memories of the fun day. But what I do not love? I do not love the disruption of schedule. I'm a schedule girl. As much as I am a spontaneous and can pack up and go anywhere (obviously!), I still love to know what comes next. And I am especially schedule oriented when it comes to children. Now, I don't think that you should have a child so rigid that you can never deviate from that schedule. But children need boundaries and expectations and a schedule plays into that.

WELL, a lovely couple in the community decided that for their son's 1st birthday, they would have a party incorporating the children here at Cradle of Love. The arrangements were made and I was brought into the tail end of all the planning. The party did not start or stop in the allotted time we had planned. It took longer to decorate, longer for the mass of people to arrive, and longer for the food to get going. I was stressing a little as Moma Musa and I discussed the right decisions we had to make for our children to get them fed, and changed and to their naps at the appropriate time. Eventhough we got the littlest babies settled, the older ones ate a little later, played a little longer, and skipped their naps this afternoon (well, the ones who didn't just fall asleep on the mat outside!). And as much as I worried about this, I had to just let it go. Because you know what? Children have birthdays. We celebrate. We make it special. And we deviate from the schedule. Its what childhood memories are made of. Its life's right of passage.

And I realized something today. These children don't get traditional birthday parties. They don't have deviations from the schedule. They don't get the luxury of sweets at grandma's house and the gathering of many people in celebration. And I realized that we MUST allow the party to continue--as long as it needed to today-- because if it did not exist, than these children would never have these wonderful memories. And these are important memories that you and I take for granted! So party, we did. And I don't regret any of it.

My hope is that one day these children will look back on days like today and relive a happy memory. My favorite party was when I was 10 and my best friend's parents had a cookout and we swam in the pool, and at 17 where i had a surprise cake after choir rehearsal, and 18 at Jeremy's house with all my friends, and the day I left the firm and we had a big luncheon. What was your favorite party? Aren't you glad someone took the time to throw you one?

Note to self #5 - Schedules are good. Making fun memories are better.

Here are a few more pictures from the party. The children had so much fun!

Hallelujah

2010-07-09T19:15:00.000+03:00

You see the little face to the right? Her name is Rahema and she is 9 days old. She appears to be very healthy and she is settling in nicely at our nursery. The hospital where she was born referred her to us as her mother passed away only 4 days ago. Her mother was just 20. And she had AIDS.

I know a lot of you have been catching up with me as I have had a lot of personal strife going on over the last week. But take a long look at the little princess in the picture and you will see why I don't care about the "other stuff." You all fight for me so that I can fight for little ones like her. And I appreciate it so much. I don't know what is going to happen in the future for her. We will get her medical report in time. But for right now I will focus on her and all the other little ones at our home.

Today was so unexpected. I got to witness a family making the decision to allow their child be placed for adoption. I am sure that this is a scenario I will witness on multiple occasions over my 6 months here at Cradle. But today, it was my first time, and I will never forget this as long as I live. Two uncles before two adoptive parents. Two families making the hard decisions and doing what is best for a little girl. Cradle of Love is a great place. The nannies do a good job and the volunteers are so dedicated. No child is without love. That is obvious. But as great as we are, it is still an orphanage. And this little girl deserves more than what we can offer her. My hope is that her adoption all works out.

So, it was really cold here today. The nannies kept the children inside for the morning to play. They all sat on the floor and started to sing. It was EXACTLY like every African song you have ever heard in any movie or on any television show. The harmonies were impeccable. Carrie, remember that yellow Jabula CD that you had that I used to play for Caroline? It was like I was in the recording studio hearing it being recorded live. I had JUST taken my camera upstairs so I didn't get any of it on record. Next time, I will record some and play it here for you. Amazing.

I need to take some more pictures but everytime I am with the babies, I am so busy feeding or holding that I don't have time to take pictures. I will promise to take some this weekend.

Got nothing but time on our hands

2010-07-07T20:13:00.000+03:00

I know that I shouldn't complain. About anything. And I'm not complaining. I'm just sharing...with annoyance and disdain. So, I have adjusted to life here just fine. But food is such a tough task to tackle! Because, let's say for instance, I wanted to make chili. Back in the 1st dimension, I would just grab a can or two of my favorite bean(s), throw it in a pot, stir in some stewed tomatoes, chop up an onion for flavor, add some salt, some chili powder, turn on the stove top, and Voila' .... 20 minutes later you have CHILI! If I was feeling carnivorous, I would brown up some beef and throw that in too! But, that fast 30 minute chili days are over. Let me explain how things work over here in 3rd world....

1. Walk your happy self to the market.
2. Meander through the dirty, crazy, loud market. (I dare not take pictures. Do you want me to be camera-less for the whole 5 months?)
3. Haul my vegetable loot home in black plastic bags.
Its more stealth that way.

4. Take out my handy-dandy vial of potassium wash (it staves off Montezuma's revenge!).
5. Soak my happy loot in purple potassium.
6. Store, cut, or cook them on my glorified hot plate!
7. Assess what I can add to them.... if the bugs haven't gotten to my shelf yet.

The whole process literally takes hours. Beans have to be washed, soaked, washed again, and boiled for a few hours. Veggies have to be washed, soaked, dried, stored, or cut and cooked. Fruits have to be soaked, rinsed, and quickly eaten or they go bad. And all open items on my shelf have to be checked daily to make sure the ants, weavels, and other unidentified bugs haven't found a way through the ziplock!

Its an interesting life over here. I get home from feeding the babies around 6 or 6:30. Then I start the harrowing process of making a meal. No microwaves. No meals in a box, can, crate, or dish. Only me, my vegetables, a bread knife (can't find a paring knife ANYWHERE here!), some random canned goods, and Nutella. Thank God for the Nutella. Anyway, I usually don't eat until 7 or 7:30. And by then I am exhausted. But WAIT! No dishwasher. But plenty of bugs. So to the sink, I will go, and wash dishes.... again. Yay. I'm so glad I have all this time on my hands! :)

Note to self # 4. Always appreciate your appliances. Be nice to them because you will miss them when they are gone.

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

2010-07-04T21:03:00.000+03:00

*UPDATE TO BLOG ORGINALLY POSTED* The following blog is not meant to slander, libel, or otherwise characterize the Make it Count Foundation, Inc. or Small Steps for Compassion. In no way has any funds submitted through the Make it Count Foundation, Inc. website, intended for my use, been denied me. The Make it Count Foundation, Inc. has not and will not deny any contribution through their website on my behalf. It is the intention of this blog to be an avenue for me to express my feelings and experiences while a world away from home. The formal omission of the organization(s) names was done in effort to protect their rights and interests to the unknown. The above stated in underlined blue is the position I have only represented and have not claimed otherwise. As originally stated in the blog, I encourage respect to all parties.

I can honestly say that I don't know how to start this blog. I added the above picture of the happy-go-lucky-me as a reminder of truly who I am and a reminder that everything is ok. The picture is from a fun cruise I took a little over a year ago. And I will try to go to that place in my head as I start this difficult entry.

Three days after my arrival, I was informed by my organization at home, that I am not now, nor was I ever, a volunteer missionary for them. They take the position that I came here to Tanzania on my own accord, and that as an organization, they are not responsible for offering me any physical, financial, or emotional support.

I am, in essence, half-way around the world without any affiliation or entity from the states looking out on my behalf. To say that this is a scary situation to be in, would be an understatement.

I know many of you have checked out their website and have seen my profile. Some of you have donated and have pledged to donate while I am here in Tanzania. I believe that the organization is going to change my profile to reflect that I am not here in Tanzania working on their behalf. Or they may opt to remove it altogether. I don't know what is going to happen with that. This is their decision to make. I ask that you discontinue your plans to donate through their website as it is no longer appropriate.

I know many of you will have questions about this situation. I have been scratching my head for days now trying to figure out what in the world just happened! But let me assure you, I am not angry at anyone. I am only devastated by the situation. I will privately answer your questions as much as I can. My only statement now is that although I am blindsided and dumbfounded, I will not speak badly of the individuals involved. I deserve respect for my efforts here in Tanzania. And I believe the organization does too. Just know that I need your support now more than ever. I am feeling abandoned about now. And for the sake of disclosure, the organization is fully aware that I am telling people. Its a blog . Obviously, everyone can see so I gave them the respect of telling them that I was going to let people know.

Satan is using those closest to me and this project to test to see when I will give up. And over the last three years I keep saying "if one more bad thing happens, I know that I am going to break." But every time, EVERY TIME, God's people (that's you!) lift me up and remind me that I am not done and that I can't stop. So right now, for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic! Let's do this already.

Everything has changed

2010-07-03T13:24:00.000+03:00

When I was a child I lived on an old campus that was, at one time in history, composed of a nursing home, a church, a farm, and many families. Although the farm, nursing home, and families had long gone, my parents moved there to reestablish this once thriving community and to restore the church. So every sabbath morning I would take the LONG walk across my front yard and step into the church for sabbath service. It was the shortest walk anyone ever had to take to worship, but I loved to tell people I "walked" to church for the uniqueness of it. Well, today, I can say that I honestly walked to church. And it was the most amazing experience. The music was acapella and so beautiful. The service was in Swahili, but Sabbath School was in English. They actually had the English SS class canceled today, but after seeing Renate and myself there, they quickly put it together and we enjoyed a rich discussion about Paul and Romans with 25 people in attendance. It was truly beautiful. I feel my life changing with every single second and this was just one small part.

I forgot to tell you guys... I saw Mt. Kilimanjaro yesterday. You cannot always see it but we were at the market and it just broke through the clouds. It was so much prettier than any picture can capture. You all MUST visit. Tanzania is, so far, a magical, magical place. God is sooooo good!

I have attached some more pictures of our walk. I have also attached pictures of the gate to our compound and the signs outside that tell people who we are.

~Shae

Decode

2010-07-02T02:02:00.000+03:00

Day 4: It wasn’t great. But it wasn’t horrible either. I changed a cloth nappie today for the first time in 15 years! I don’t think that the nannies like me doing it because if I don’t do it right, they will have a mess to clean up and that is not good. I wish that we had better nappies. We use dishtowels. Some of the babies get very chaffed. But its cheap so that is what is used. We have no diaper rash cream for the big kids. Some of the babies have scars on their genitals from severe rash that has now left its mark. But we do not live in America where everything is at your fingertips. Diaper cream is not cheap. The other volunteers told me to get a thick skin before helping with the newborns and infants. They say that their diaper rash is often to the point of bleeding. And that we have to just accept it.

I don’t want to ever accept it. But I must. Americans are spoiled and have NO IDEA how things are done in the rest of the world. We turn our heads because its Africa. I came here… because its Africa. America is rich and spoiled. I don’t want to be another spoiled American.

So today I got devastating news. I wanted to get in a dark place and question what I am doing here. How did I get to this place of problems? It’s the type of news that would send most people packing and on a plane to the States. But not me. Sara and Susan are an amazing support system and encourage me when all I should do is give up. So I didn’t.To them, and to God, all credit is given.

Note to self - # 2: People will disappoint me. But friends are more than people. And I need to make sure that I affirm them because my life is incomplete without them and they never disappoint.

The other volunteers here at Cradle of Love are amazing support also. Two are leaving tomorrow. The remaining three are leaving in a few weeks. So all six of us piled into a cab the size of a Toyota Corrolla (that’s 7 people with the driver!) and went to dinner in Arusha. Then we went to a place that can only be described as part Tiki, part café, part music lounge, and part traditional bar, which adds up to 100% WHAT I NEEDED THIS EVENING! I cannot describe this place other than saying that it is one of the coolest, most chill places I have ever been. It was filled with young volunteers, and young local residents. It was great. I absolutely loved it and absolutely needed it after the emotionally traumatizing morning I had. And I have to admit that much of our time out together was spent talking about the babies.

The above photos include two Germans, three Americans, one Dutch, and one Tanzanian. Its badventist approved and United Nations happy

~Shae

Compares to a quiet evening alone

2010-07-01T00:34:00.000+03:00

Please watch the following video. It is even hard for me to believe that these little 15 lb. creatures can execute chores so diligently and precisely. Parents, I will NEVER again believe that your child is "too young." Rubbish.

I have clean clothes again. After 19 hrs of flying, three days of drool, snot, and food, and no shower, I was so happy to get out of my jeans and t shirt and into CLEAN clothes. Aaahhh.

Today I saw my life flash before my eyes in the form of a dala dala. The dala dala is a toyota van stuffed with (literally) 15 Africans, 1 German, and 1 American (that was me!). We went to a new market because the volunteers that are here are leaving soon and I will be all alone to figure things out. They want me to be used to the market and the culture. Its a lot to take in over such a short period of time. I wanted to take pictures, but have shied away from photos as I am still trying to "blend in." Yeah, right! I am 5'8" and I outweigh most of the men here. Oh, and I'm white. There's that.

We seem to only have internet in the middle of the night, so I need to put this away and go to sleep. Oh so tired. But babies need me so I must get my beauty rest!

Born for this

2010-06-30T02:22:00.001+03:00

Day 2: No luggage. No toothbrush. No problem. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. The airport says that my bags are coming tomorrow “after they inspect the contents and clear the bags for delivery.” I am just hoping for contact solution, allergy meds, and at least one outfit with accompanying clean underwear. And everything else can just be.

So today we went to the bank, the market, bought things for the nursery, and a few food items for me. We weaved through LOTS of people and traffic, negotiated near death experiences (not really!), and came out the other side victorious. I was a little overwhelmed but no sleep, no shower, and general jet lag aided this problem. Oh well. The best part of the day was yet to come.

So, late this afternoon, I met the children. Ilse, one of the volunteers, says that it takes only three days to find your “favorite” child. All of the volunteers agree that we aren’t supposed to have a favorite, but that it is impossible to avoid. And even though I was determined to meet ALL the children before letting my heart fall on any specific child, I think my heart has already “imprinted.” (THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IMPRINTED. ECLIPSE MAKES A CAMEO APPEARANCE IN MY BLOG!) Anyway, her name is Ellie and she is just the most beautiful creature. She was in a bouncer and crying for attention. The moment I picked her up, her little tears stopped and she become silent. I was holding her close while attending to another child, but as soon as she could wriggle her little body loose she turned to look at me. All she wanted to do was look at me. And without any effort on my part, she smiled BIG and reached her skinny little hand to lay on my cheek. And with that one little movement I was won over. Gone. Done. It is a good thing that she is not available for adoption and that TZ has a three year residency policy to adopt. Otherwise, “I” would become “we” returning to the US in December.

Note to self # 1: Your heart is going to break when you get on that plane in December. Accept that there is no way to prepare yourself. Ok, then say this with me- go “we were born for this, we were born for this, we were born for this.”

~Shae

Airplanes (I could really use a wish right now)

2010-06-29T03:29:00.000+03:00

Its 1:32 in the morning, and I can't sleep! I arrived here in Tanzania and was quickly processed through the Visa office. I was one of the first people to get off the plane. But I was one of the last people to leave the terminal. KLM left all my luggage in Amsterdam. Yay. This is going to be fun.

The airline lost both of my bags in amsterdam. This would normally be ok because I ALWAYS give myself a back up plan with my hand luggage. Unfortunately, the airline forced me to check my carry on with extra clothes and medicines, so I literally am here with some books, a laptop, and a sweater! I won't get my luggage for two more days. WELCOME TO AFRICA!!! hahaha. Please pray that when I do get my "luggage" my allergy/asthma medicine is still in tact. I can live without all the other stuff. I just foolishly forgot to pull it from my carry on when it got checked. To give you an idea of its importance, there was a man with heavy cologne who sat near to me on the plane. After two hours of smelling his scent, I started vomiting. I really have a weird allergy/sensitivity to certain scents. Feeling a little gross right now not having a toothbrush. But the flights were otherwise very comfortable and the food was decent so I really can only complain about lost luggage.

There were two volunteers from Germany who came with to greet me at the airport. They are so sweet and excited that I am here. We are going to the market tomorrow to get some food and supplies.

Here's to a safe arrival, a safe delivery of my luggage, and a safe adventure in Tanzania. Pictures coming soon. A big shout out to Todd Gable for sending me the most detailed email on how to set up my blog and get it on facebook. Lets hope I get it right Todd!

~Shae