A NEW BLOG FOR A NEW LIFE

Dear readers:

Please visit http://bytheshae.blogspot.com for new updates on my life. I decided that I wanted to preserve this blog for my travels and experiences in Tanzania. And my life and experiences in the United States should be chronicled at a different site. So, please visit my new blog "by the Shae" for all updates on life back in Florida. Thank you for being a faithful reader over these last 6 months. I have really enjoyed walking this journey with you.

~Shae

The last one.

5 Months. 3 weeks. 1 day.

Wow. I can't believe it. Its here. The last day. Where did all that time go? How do I even start this blog? I have had the last three blogs planned but due to major power outages and the overscheduling of my last days, I have been unable to create. But this one--the last one-- is here and needing to be done.

And my mind is chaos and confusion. What can I possibly write?

A big Thank You to Davona, Tanja, Renate, Rachel, Kimberlie, Ilse, Maxi, Ashley, Eileen, Carolyn, Danielle, Anika, Kezia, and Dolly. You ladies have supported and changed my life in ways you will never know. I am so proud to serve with you and all the other countless short term and day volunteers. We are the legacy. We couldn't be successful without the nannies. But the nannies couldn't be successful without us.

Ok, so now that that is out of the way, there is really only one thing left to blog and I don't really want to type it. I have to talk about the babies. And I have to say goodbye.

I knew that when I came to Tanzania it would be a life changing experience. I knew that I would fall in love. I knew that I would be frustrated at times. And I also knew that the frustrations would be covered over by unending joy. So I can happily proclaim that all my expectations have come true. Everything that I knew about myself and everything that I knew would change has happened. But just because all my predictions came to fruition, doesn't make my leaving any easier.

I think it makes it harder.

Because I also knew that the day I would have to get in that car, to get on that plane, to go back to my world of privilege, would be one of the hardest days of my life.

And right now, as I am living this last morning, that prediction is also very true.

I woke up to sweet giggles and a big smile. I broke the rules and kept one of the babies in my room last night (sorry Davona!) and so the day is already starting off a bit brighter! I'll get dressed in a little while, I'll go to worship, feed, put babies down for a nap and continue with my day just like all the other days of the last 5 months, and 3 weeks. But today I'll feed the babies a little slower, I'll give a few more kisses, and I'll hold back this giant lump in my throat that keeps threatening to break out as big tears and hope that I can get through the day.

I look forward to "my people" at home. I mean, gosh, SKYPE is amazing but is no substitute for the real thing. I look forward to driving my car. I can't wait to turn on the radio and see what's new. I'm excited to go to Publix and see all my options. I DO NOT look forward to the check out line. I spend around $3 a week on produce here in Tanzania. I can't even buy ONE avocado for that price at home. But that's the trade off for running water and consistent electricity.

But I wonder, after all the initial conversations and celebrations, after the pedicure and the haircut, after all restaurants have been visited.... will my heart long for a world where babies are constantly screaming, and clean feet are a luxury and not the norm? I think so. And that is why today is so difficult.

But life goes on and the world keeps spinning. And I will have to spin with it. Wiping away a tear as I type. Wow. This is really hard.

"What do we gain from all our work? I know the heavy burdens that God has laid on us. He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future, but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does. So I realized that all we can do is to be happy and do the best we can while we are still alive. All of us should eat and drink and enjoy what we have worked for. It is God's gift. " ~Ecclesiastes 3

So for the last time from Tanzania....

Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo.

~Shae

High-Five

Its 5:45 a.m. and I've been up for a few hours. Haven't slept a lot in the last month. I don't know what it is? Stress? Anxiety? Bad ugali? Whatever it is allows me this opportunity to blog. With only five days to go, I wanted to shout out a few people from home who have been great supporters through my time here. If you are not on the list... please don't hate me. It doesn't mean I don't love you. It means that its 5:45 a.m. and I only have 5 days left in TZ. Help a sister out, and give her a little leeway on this one!!! Thanks ya'll.

OH, and I took these photos from social networking sites. So, if you don't like your pictures, its not my fault. You shouldn't have posted them!!!

Chad & Susan Hess - Hello! I previously created a blog dedicated to them! They are amazing. Enough said.

Holly Sims - You always think that you haven't been a good enough friend. YOU ARE THE BESTEST of BEST FRIENDS. You have been enough! Trust the Shae.

Mike and Tania Hufanda - Amazing couple/amazing friends who rallied a host of people, some of whom are listed below, to donate items to me and the babies here at Cradle. Love them. Love everyone on this list! Love the continued support from Ms. Tania!

Martha Wetmore
Catherine Hall
Hilda Walker
Schneider's
Karina Riesen
Stanley P.
Audrey Zuber -- Owner of Punkin-butt diaper company (www.punkinbutt.com) along with her friend (name unknown)

Amanda Brown - You were such a great sounding board before I left and have continued to be so even while I have been away. I appreciate and love you. Everyone should have a friend like you!

Sara Hueneke - Friend, confidant, sustainer of my sanity! Skyping with Sara was always a highlight of my Sunday! She understands me and can always bring humor to me when humor cannot be found!!!

My parents. Ok, this picture isn't EXACTLY Jack and Joni Beery. But I don't have a picture of them so this will have to do! I mean, these people look like they could be my parents, right?

My Florida Hospital Church - Our vision statement is one that I take to heart as a member of this body of people. Thank you to the other members of this community of believers who helped me fulfill my part of our VISION!

My Stovash, Case, & Tingley, P.A. Family - I asked for a photo a long time ago and only Cara and Karen responded! So, feast your eyes on these two beauties. But seriously, thanks for all the support, from employees past and present. I cannot thank you enough for your love and gifts. I am the luckiest woman to work in such an amazing place!


The Ragsdale Women! - This mother and daughter pair are so very close in my heart. While I've been away, Karen once wrote me and said "you know you are the best friend ever, right?" Well, Karen--- ditto to you!

Tami Cinquemani - I don't know what it is. We are totally different people, at different stages in our lives, with different circles of friends, and different goals for our future. But casual circumstances made our paths cross and a sweet friendship developed. This woman has brought compassion, friendship, normalcy, connection, and calm to my life the ENTIRE time I have been in Tanzania. I have never poured over every single typed word as much as I did each time I received an email from her. And the emails came so frequently that I almost feel ashamed that I could never reciprocate in-kind. But I say almost because I know that she completely understands my mission here and never asked that I do anything other than keep the focus and pace. Tami was a beautiful surprise to me. How could I have known that a simple friendship would blossom across the world and email? She will HATE that I am spending so much blog space on her, but I don't care. Everyone listed above has had me gush on them at some point in our relationship. And since Tami is a new member to my "people I value" list, she is just going to have to get over it! Love you Tami. Appreciate you more!


Ok, so this ends my ramblings. I am excited to be home. But there is still so much left to do in my few days here. We have 6 toddlers potty training and the place smells like PEEE! Yuck. So, as you can read, the work doesn't stop just because I am preparing to head home. Keep praying for me. Keep commenting. I need your encouragement to get through these last days. Blessings to you.

Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo.

~Shae

Only six days to say my name

It started so innocently. I just wanted to hear my name. Shae-Shae. SHHH AAAAA EEEEEE SSSHHHHAAAEE. Was it too much to ask? Well...maybe.

As so many of you have read before, there is one special little girl here at Cradle of Love who has captured my heart. Anybody who spends anytime here could easily and matter-of-factly say "Shae and Pendo are buddies!" I'm not quite sure when it happened mutually, but it did. And I am so happy for it.

But here's the deal. She talks. Some. Actually, no, she talks a lot these days. Her utterings come out as one and two word sentences. She is quite loud and purposeful in her words. But God bless her, I have NO IDEA what she is saying. I suspect that most of her chatter is Swahili and I am just too ignorant to understand. But I want to understand. Badly, I want to understand. And I want her to say my name.

But she won't.

She finds the "sema Shae-Shae" game FAR TOO AMUSING! She giggles and puts her now chubby little hands over her mouth and her little eyes sparkle as she throws her head back in a laugh. I beg her. I conjole her. I ignore her requests. I pretend that I am crying. And you know what happens? NOTHING. She refuses to say my name. And its killing me.

For some reason, I just thought that hearing her say my name before I left would be the icing on the cake of all the hard work I, and so many others, have put into her care. I remember one really dark day in September when the feeding tube wasn't working (she kept pulling at it or gagging it up when she didn't have the strength to pull it out by hand) and she would spit out everything we put in her mouth, even water. Our nurse suggested that her survival wasn't about the nutrition alone. Pendo had lost the will to live and until she got over her depression, it really wasn't about forcing the calories. In the western world, we would have sedated her and put in a feeding tube. But here in Arusha, we don't work with those options. So, I took our nurse's words to heart and did everything I could over the next two days to get Pendo interested in the kids and the fun at Cradle. She was SO weak. She was SO depressed. But any tiny, minute about of spark that I could see in her would inspire me to push harder for her survival.

And I will admit that THE most difficult time I had with her is when I said the hardest three little words that a person could, or should ever say to a child. While holding her twisted, dehydrated, broken, and damaged body in my arms, her head against my chest, I went to place her in her crib for the night and pleaded the only thing that came to mind:

"Please don't die."

And again the next night....

"Please don't die."

I am so grateful and thankful to GOD for the blessing of Pendo. Her little life has changed mine in ways that I didn't even know needed changing. This morning as I was pondering on what to say in this blog... it hit me... of course... how could I be so stupid??? The icing on the cake is NOT whether Pendo will say my name or not. The true congratulations for my sincerest efforts in Pendo's recovery is when she leaves Cradle and goes home... and never has to come back! That is the pearl in the oyster, the summit on the mountain, or the treasure at the end of the rainbow.

Pendo's time at Cradle was about Pendo... and not me! So, she can say my name or maybe she won't. Either way, it won't change how ridiculously proud I am of her. She is such a beautiful little creature, inside and out.

I'll miss you terribly, little buddy. It has been my honor to serve you in your time of darkness and with God's help, bring you back into the light. Mabusu to you, Pendo!!!!

~Shae

And on the seventh day He rested.

Its sabbath afternoon for me here in Tanzania. My LAST sabbath afternoon in Tanzania. I have planned for this day, thought about this day, and arranged for this day in my head over and over... but now that its here, I just couldn't execute. Yes, its true that I am still recovering from flu and I'll even admit that I have jumped back into the mix too quickly. If I were home in the U.S., I would have stayed in bed for a few days and taken time off. But with my time winding down, there is far too much to do for me to take a few days off. But today, THE day among days... I just can't rally myself to do what I had planned. I didn't make it to church this morning. And there will be no playtime with the children out on a blanket in the yard. No photo shoots. No treats that I baked the night before. Nothing.

I am sitting here in my room, watching my favorite baby girl asleep on my lap, and typing this blog in hopes that I can slowly wrap my brain around the beauty of this day while dealing with the sadness that I feel in my heart. I know that coming here to Tanzania and serving at Cradle of Love is the best decision I have made in a long, long time. I know that my time here was not wasted... not for one second. I know that the children may not remember me, but that I made a positive impact on their lives. And that knowledge gives me comfort as I prepare to leave. It does. But having to physically pack my bags for home, to have to say goodbye to my amazing fellow volunteers and all these little children of whom I have fallen madly in love with is difficult. And it makes me question. Did I advocate hard enough for better care of the babies? Did I teach volunteers everything they need to sustain? Did I show enough love to the staff? Can I leave now when there is so much more to do? Do I come back? When? How? What will my friends at home say? I've asked for more than I deserved and I received more than I could have imagined... do I have the right to ask again?

And the questions continue...

But then I have to stop and take hold of the day. Because this day, THE DAY AMONG DAYS was created for me, by GOD, so that I could just reflect on Him and his greatness and leave the worry, the doubt, and the questions for tomorrow. He wove me into this moment, both for Cradle of Love and for myself. And I have no business doubting Him and his plans.

And so, I'll just lay this precious sleeping baby girl in my yet unpacked carry-on luggage. And I'll take a few hours to nap myself as I have a long, last week ahead of me. And I'll reread and share with you the promises from the Bible. God's wisdom comes through in the following passage from Isaiah 28.

"Listen to what I am saying; pay attention to what I am telling you. No farmer goes on constantly plowing his fields and getting them ready for sowing. Once he has prepared the soil, he sows the seed of herbs such as dill and cumin. He sows rows of wheat and barley and at the edges of his fields he sows other grain. He knows how to do his work, because God has taught him. He never uses a heavy club to beat out dill seeds or cumin seeds; instead he uses light sticks of the proper size. He does not ruin the wheat by threshing it endlessly, and he knows how to thresh it by driving a cart over it without bruising the grains, All this wisdom comes from the LORD Almighty. The plans God makes are wise, and they always succeed."

Until tomorrow.

~Shae

8 things that I miss from home (I'll be there soon!)

Brave Shae takes on driving for the first time in Tanzania!

1. Running water. Everyday.
2. Electricity. Also everyday.
3. Florida Hospital Church family.
4. Skittles
5. Traffic lights.
6. Susan working an "Office" reference into everyday conversation.
7. Employment.
8. Habaneros!

With only one week left, I have so much to do and so little time. However, instead of dwelling on the things that I'll miss about here (and there will be a list!) I am reminding myself of all that I look forward to at home. Its been a fast and amazing 6 months. This small segment of my life will forever be part of the story of who I was, who I am now, and who I will become. THANK YOU TO ALL MY AMAZING FRIENDS/FAMILY AT HOME. YOU ARE THE REASON I AM SUCCESSFUL. FROM CHURCH FRIENDS TO WORK FRIENDS, COLLEGE PALS AND LIFELONG BUDDIES, I MISS YOU ALL AND I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU OR HEAR YOUR VOICE WHEN I RETURN.

~Shae

P.S. The pictures are from last weekend when my director "forced" me to learn to drive in Tanzania! Do you have any idea how hard it is to drive a manual when everything is on the opposite of what you are used to!?!?!?!?! Including the oncoming traffic?!?!?!?!? I actually did a great job. By the third time driving, I was completely comfortable. THANK YOU Davona for pushing me into learning. I feel stupid that I resisted so long. Oh well. Shae masters driving in Tanzania? Check.

Its strange driving on the left side. Hope I don't cross the line!

When ABC meets C of L

With only two weeks left before I return to the United States I thought it would be fitting for me to introduce and give honor to some of the amazing young human beings I have met while here in Tanzania. They each have brought lightness and brightness to a heart that was turning dark. And to the remaining 30+ children of whom I haven’t mentioned by name, may it be known that they have made my life richer in ways that I couldn’t have even imagined.

Agnes You brought joy to me. You bring hope to anyone who doubts the future for true orphans.

Bahati You are a dimple faced wonder who deserves the mother you received.

Clara There is beauty behind those serious eyes.

Dotto You loved me first. I will love you last and always.

Elinipa You were MY first love and one never forgets their first love.

Florian A butterball of snuggly goodness.

Grace Your simple smile and soft coos melted my heart.

Happy You stirred up a part of my heart that had been dead for far too long. For that, I am eternally grateful. I’m yours. FOREVER. Your little hands, your little laugh, your little smile = one big happy Shae. To say I love you is not enough to express all that I feel for you.

Irene You came to us in distress and sadness but now all you give is love!

Jackson No little boy has been more loved by so many volunteers.

Kurwa You are the most beautiful child at Cradle and not for what we can see, but for what we still can’t.

Lazaro You are a prince and I hope I served you well.

Mark Big and beautiful!

Nancy Your smile and laugh are infectious.

Pendo You allowed me to love you and returned that love in loyalty. I have never cried or prayed over a child as much as I did you! And to have you choose to spend all your time with me as you grow and become stronger was all the thanks needed. I love you child. You are a gift.

Rahema You came at 8 days old and you warmed my heart even then.

Selemani Now I know what a toddler Fred Flintstone would have looked like running.

Tessa You are 1 of 3 but you are truly your own person.

Vicki You are more fun than any other toddler and you have the best smile!

Witness You have never asked for anything but have given me so much love.

Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo.

~Shae