5 Months. 3 weeks. 1 day.
Wow. I can't believe it. Its here. The last day. Where did all that time go? How do I even start this blog? I have had the last three blogs planned but due to major power outages and the overscheduling of my last days, I have been unable to create. But this one--the last one-- is here and needing to be done.
And my mind is chaos and confusion. What can I possibly write?
A big Thank You to Davona, Tanja, Renate, Rachel, Kimberlie, Ilse, Maxi, Ashley, Eileen, Carolyn, Danielle, Anika, Kezia, and Dolly. You ladies have supported and changed my life in ways you will never know. I am so proud to serve with you and all the other countless short term and day volunteers. We are the legacy. We couldn't be successful without the nannies. But the nannies couldn't be successful without us.
Ok, so now that that is out of the way, there is really only one thing left to blog and I don't really want to type it. I have to talk about the babies. And I have to say goodbye.
I knew that when I came to Tanzania it would be a life changing experience. I knew that I would fall in love. I knew that I would be frustrated at times. And I also knew that the frustrations would be covered over by unending joy. So I can happily proclaim that all my expectations have come true. Everything that I knew about myself and everything that I knew would change has happened. But just because all my predictions came to fruition, doesn't make my leaving any easier.
I think it makes it harder.
Because I also knew that the day I would have to get in that car, to get on that plane, to go back to my world of privilege, would be one of the hardest days of my life.
And right now, as I am living this last morning, that prediction is also very true.
I woke up to sweet giggles and a big smile. I broke the rules and kept one of the babies in my room last night (sorry Davona!) and so the day is already starting off a bit brighter! I'll get dressed in a little while, I'll go to worship, feed, put babies down for a nap and continue with my day just like all the other days of the last 5 months, and 3 weeks. But today I'll feed the babies a little slower, I'll give a few more kisses, and I'll hold back this giant lump in my throat that keeps threatening to break out as big tears and hope that I can get through the day.
I look forward to "my people" at home. I mean, gosh, SKYPE is amazing but is no substitute for the real thing. I look forward to driving my car. I can't wait to turn on the radio and see what's new. I'm excited to go to Publix and see all my options. I DO NOT look forward to the check out line. I spend around $3 a week on produce here in Tanzania. I can't even buy ONE avocado for that price at home. But that's the trade off for running water and consistent electricity.
But I wonder, after all the initial conversations and celebrations, after the pedicure and the haircut, after all restaurants have been visited.... will my heart long for a world where babies are constantly screaming, and clean feet are a luxury and not the norm? I think so. And that is why today is so difficult.
But life goes on and the world keeps spinning. And I will have to spin with it. Wiping away a tear as I type. Wow. This is really hard.
Wow. I can't believe it. Its here. The last day. Where did all that time go? How do I even start this blog? I have had the last three blogs planned but due to major power outages and the overscheduling of my last days, I have been unable to create. But this one--the last one-- is here and needing to be done.
And my mind is chaos and confusion. What can I possibly write?
A big Thank You to Davona, Tanja, Renate, Rachel, Kimberlie, Ilse, Maxi, Ashley, Eileen, Carolyn, Danielle, Anika, Kezia, and Dolly. You ladies have supported and changed my life in ways you will never know. I am so proud to serve with you and all the other countless short term and day volunteers. We are the legacy. We couldn't be successful without the nannies. But the nannies couldn't be successful without us.
Ok, so now that that is out of the way, there is really only one thing left to blog and I don't really want to type it. I have to talk about the babies. And I have to say goodbye.
I knew that when I came to Tanzania it would be a life changing experience. I knew that I would fall in love. I knew that I would be frustrated at times. And I also knew that the frustrations would be covered over by unending joy. So I can happily proclaim that all my expectations have come true. Everything that I knew about myself and everything that I knew would change has happened. But just because all my predictions came to fruition, doesn't make my leaving any easier.
I think it makes it harder.
Because I also knew that the day I would have to get in that car, to get on that plane, to go back to my world of privilege, would be one of the hardest days of my life.
And right now, as I am living this last morning, that prediction is also very true.
I woke up to sweet giggles and a big smile. I broke the rules and kept one of the babies in my room last night (sorry Davona!) and so the day is already starting off a bit brighter! I'll get dressed in a little while, I'll go to worship, feed, put babies down for a nap and continue with my day just like all the other days of the last 5 months, and 3 weeks. But today I'll feed the babies a little slower, I'll give a few more kisses, and I'll hold back this giant lump in my throat that keeps threatening to break out as big tears and hope that I can get through the day.
I look forward to "my people" at home. I mean, gosh, SKYPE is amazing but is no substitute for the real thing. I look forward to driving my car. I can't wait to turn on the radio and see what's new. I'm excited to go to Publix and see all my options. I DO NOT look forward to the check out line. I spend around $3 a week on produce here in Tanzania. I can't even buy ONE avocado for that price at home. But that's the trade off for running water and consistent electricity.
But I wonder, after all the initial conversations and celebrations, after the pedicure and the haircut, after all restaurants have been visited.... will my heart long for a world where babies are constantly screaming, and clean feet are a luxury and not the norm? I think so. And that is why today is so difficult.
But life goes on and the world keeps spinning. And I will have to spin with it. Wiping away a tear as I type. Wow. This is really hard.
"What do we gain from all our work? I know the heavy burdens that God has laid on us. He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future, but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does. So I realized that all we can do is to be happy and do the best we can while we are still alive. All of us should eat and drink and enjoy what we have worked for. It is God's gift. " ~Ecclesiastes 3
So for the last time from Tanzania....
Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo.
~Shae
Ok, you did it, you made me cry at your blog! :) Totally understanding your emotions, but also just ENJOY!!! Nothing's ever the same again, and that's the way it should be. Much love!
ReplyDeleteThis was only your last day in Tanzania for the time being, you WILL return, stronger than ever-a stronger Shae will surely be a force to be reckoned with.
ReplyDeleteKeep safe
love, Dolly x
DOLLY- WE MISSED YOU SO MUCH AFTER YOU LEFT!!!!!
ReplyDeletebeautifully put shae, you are staying in my prayers as you try to adjust back in such a different world with a heavy heart.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to say goodbye to people who have been a lifeline during the months away. It is hard to leave the babies and go back to "normal life." It is hard to close a chapter of your life that most of your friends won't understand. But you have the wonderful opportunity to reopen that chapter! I wish everyday that I'd been able to... Miss you and praying for you.
ReplyDelete