If it does not exist

I love a good party. I love the gathering of people. I love the fun food. I LOVE the cake. And I love the memories of the fun day. But what I do not love? I do not love the disruption of schedule. I'm a schedule girl. As much as I am a spontaneous and can pack up and go anywhere (obviously!), I still love to know what comes next. And I am especially schedule oriented when it comes to children. Now, I don't think that you should have a child so rigid that you can never deviate from that schedule. But children need boundaries and expectations and a schedule plays into that.

WELL, a lovely couple in the community decided that for their son's 1st birthday, they would have a party incorporating the children here at Cradle of Love. The arrangements were made and I was brought into the tail end of all the planning. The party did not start or stop in the allotted time we had planned. It took longer to decorate, longer for the mass of people to arrive, and longer for the food to get going. I was stressing a little as Moma Musa and I discussed the right decisions we had to make for our children to get them fed, and changed and to their naps at the appropriate time. Eventhough we got the littlest babies settled, the older ones ate a little later, played a little longer, and skipped their naps this afternoon (well, the ones who didn't just fall asleep on the mat outside!). And as much as I worried about this, I had to just let it go. Because you know what? Children have birthdays. We celebrate. We make it special. And we deviate from the schedule. Its what childhood memories are made of. Its life's right of passage.

And I realized something today. These children don't get traditional birthday parties. They don't have deviations from the schedule. They don't get the luxury of sweets at grandma's house and the gathering of many people in celebration. And I realized that we MUST allow the party to continue--as long as it needed to today-- because if it did not exist, than these children would never have these wonderful memories. And these are important memories that you and I take for granted! So party, we did. And I don't regret any of it.

My hope is that one day these children will look back on days like today and relive a happy memory. My favorite party was when I was 10 and my best friend's parents had a cookout and we swam in the pool, and at 17 where i had a surprise cake after choir rehearsal, and 18 at Jeremy's house with all my friends, and the day I left the firm and we had a big luncheon. What was your favorite party? Aren't you glad someone took the time to throw you one?

Note to self #5 - Schedules are good. Making fun memories are better.

Here are a few more pictures from the party. The children had so much fun!

Hallelujah

You see the little face to the right? Her name is Rahema and she is 9 days old. She appears to be very healthy and she is settling in nicely at our nursery. The hospital where she was born referred her to us as her mother passed away only 4 days ago. Her mother was just 20. And she had AIDS.

I know a lot of you have been catching up with me as I have had a lot of personal strife going on over the last week. But take a long look at the little princess in the picture and you will see why I don't care about the "other stuff." You all fight for me so that I can fight for little ones like her. And I appreciate it so much. I don't know what is going to happen in the future for her. We will get her medical report in time. But for right now I will focus on her and all the other little ones at our home.

Today was so unexpected. I got to witness a family making the decision to allow their child be placed for adoption. I am sure that this is a scenario I will witness on multiple occasions over my 6 months here at Cradle. But today, it was my first time, and I will never forget this as long as I live. Two uncles before two adoptive parents. Two families making the hard decisions and doing what is best for a little girl. Cradle of Love is a great place. The nannies do a good job and the volunteers are so dedicated. No child is without love. That is obvious. But as great as we are, it is still an orphanage. And this little girl deserves more than what we can offer her. My hope is that her adoption all works out.

So, it was really cold here today. The nannies kept the children inside for the morning to play. They all sat on the floor and started to sing. It was EXACTLY like every African song you have ever heard in any movie or on any television show. The harmonies were impeccable. Carrie, remember that yellow Jabula CD that you had that I used to play for Caroline? It was like I was in the recording studio hearing it being recorded live. I had JUST taken my camera upstairs so I didn't get any of it on record. Next time, I will record some and play it here for you. Amazing.

I need to take some more pictures but everytime I am with the babies, I am so busy feeding or holding that I don't have time to take pictures. I will promise to take some this weekend.

Got nothing but time on our hands

I know that I shouldn't complain. About anything. And I'm not complaining. I'm just sharing...with annoyance and disdain. So, I have adjusted to life here just fine. But food is such a tough task to tackle! Because, let's say for instance, I wanted to make chili. Back in the 1st dimension, I would just grab a can or two of my favorite bean(s), throw it in a pot, stir in some stewed tomatoes, chop up an onion for flavor, add some salt, some chili powder, turn on the stove top, and Voila' .... 20 minutes later you have CHILI! If I was feeling carnivorous, I would brown up some beef and throw that in too! But, that fast 30 minute chili days are over. Let me explain how things work over here in 3rd world....

1. Walk your happy self to the market.
2. Meander through the dirty, crazy, loud market. (I dare not take pictures. Do you want me to be camera-less for the whole 5 months?)
3. Haul my vegetable loot home in black plastic bags.
Its more stealth that way.

4. Take out my handy-dandy vial of potassium wash (it staves off Montezuma's revenge!).
5. Soak my happy loot in purple potassium.
6. Store, cut, or cook them on my glorified hot plate!
7. Assess what I can add to them.... if the bugs haven't gotten to my shelf yet.

The whole process literally takes hours. Beans have to be washed, soaked, washed again, and boiled for a few hours. Veggies have to be washed, soaked, dried, stored, or cut and cooked. Fruits have to be soaked, rinsed, and quickly eaten or they go bad. And all open items on my shelf have to be checked daily to make sure the ants, weavels, and other unidentified bugs haven't found a way through the ziplock!

Its an interesting life over here. I get home from feeding the babies around 6 or 6:30. Then I start the harrowing process of making a meal. No microwaves. No meals in a box, can, crate, or dish. Only me, my vegetables, a bread knife (can't find a paring knife ANYWHERE here!), some random canned goods, and Nutella. Thank God for the Nutella. Anyway, I usually don't eat until 7 or 7:30. And by then I am exhausted. But WAIT! No dishwasher. But plenty of bugs. So to the sink, I will go, and wash dishes.... again. Yay. I'm so glad I have all this time on my hands! :)

Note to self # 4. Always appreciate your appliances. Be nice to them because you will miss them when they are gone.

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

*UPDATE TO BLOG ORGINALLY POSTED* The following blog is not meant to slander, libel, or otherwise characterize the Make it Count Foundation, Inc. or Small Steps for Compassion. In no way has any funds submitted through the Make it Count Foundation, Inc. website, intended for my use, been denied me. The Make it Count Foundation, Inc. has not and will not deny any contribution through their website on my behalf. It is the intention of this blog to be an avenue for me to express my feelings and experiences while a world away from home. The formal omission of the organization(s) names was done in effort to protect their rights and interests to the unknown. The above stated in underlined blue is the position I have only represented and have not claimed otherwise. As originally stated in the blog, I encourage respect to all parties.

I can honestly say that I don't know how to start this blog. I added the above picture of the happy-go-lucky-me as a reminder of truly who I am and a reminder that everything is ok. The picture is from a fun cruise I took a little over a year ago. And I will try to go to that place in my head as I start this difficult entry.

Three days after my arrival, I was informed by my organization at home, that I am not now, nor was I ever, a volunteer missionary for them. They take the position that I came here to Tanzania on my own accord, and that as an organization, they are not responsible for offering me any physical, financial, or emotional support.

I am, in essence, half-way around the world without any affiliation or entity from the states looking out on my behalf. To say that this is a scary situation to be in, would be an understatement.

I know many of you have checked out their website and have seen my profile. Some of you have donated and have pledged to donate while I am here in Tanzania. I believe that the organization is going to change my profile to reflect that I am not here in Tanzania working on their behalf. Or they may opt to remove it altogether. I don't know what is going to happen with that. This is their decision to make. I ask that you discontinue your plans to donate through their website as it is no longer appropriate.

I know many of you will have questions about this situation. I have been scratching my head for days now trying to figure out what in the world just happened! But let me assure you, I am not angry at anyone. I am only devastated by the situation. I will privately answer your questions as much as I can. My only statement now is that although I am blindsided and dumbfounded, I will not speak badly of the individuals involved. I deserve respect for my efforts here in Tanzania. And I believe the organization does too. Just know that I need your support now more than ever. I am feeling abandoned about now. And for the sake of disclosure, the organization is fully aware that I am telling people. Its a blog . Obviously, everyone can see so I gave them the respect of telling them that I was going to let people know.

Satan is using those closest to me and this project to test to see when I will give up. And over the last three years I keep saying "if one more bad thing happens, I know that I am going to break." But every time, EVERY TIME, God's people (that's you!) lift me up and remind me that I am not done and that I can't stop. So right now, for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic! Let's do this already.

Everything has changed

When I was a child I lived on an old campus that was, at one time in history, composed of a nursing home, a church, a farm, and many families. Although the farm, nursing home, and families had long gone, my parents moved there to reestablish this once thriving community and to restore the church. So every sabbath morning I would take the LONG walk across my front yard and step into the church for sabbath service. It was the shortest walk anyone ever had to take to worship, but I loved to tell people I "walked" to church for the uniqueness of it. Well, today, I can say that I honestly walked to church. And it was the most amazing experience. The music was acapella and so beautiful. The service was in Swahili, but Sabbath School was in English. They actually had the English SS class canceled today, but after seeing Renate and myself there, they quickly put it together and we enjoyed a rich discussion about Paul and Romans with 25 people in attendance. It was truly beautiful. I feel my life changing with every single second and this was just one small part.

I forgot to tell you guys... I saw Mt. Kilimanjaro yesterday. You cannot always see it but we were at the market and it just broke through the clouds. It was so much prettier than any picture can capture. You all MUST visit. Tanzania is, so far, a magical, magical place. God is sooooo good!

I have attached some more pictures of our walk. I have also attached pictures of the gate to our compound and the signs outside that tell people who we are.

~Shae

Decode

Day 4: It wasn’t great. But it wasn’t horrible either. I changed a cloth nappie today for the first time in 15 years! I don’t think that the nannies like me doing it because if I don’t do it right, they will have a mess to clean up and that is not good. I wish that we had better nappies. We use dishtowels. Some of the babies get very chaffed. But its cheap so that is what is used. We have no diaper rash cream for the big kids. Some of the babies have scars on their genitals from severe rash that has now left its mark. But we do not live in America where everything is at your fingertips. Diaper cream is not cheap. The other volunteers told me to get a thick skin before helping with the newborns and infants. They say that their diaper rash is often to the point of bleeding. And that we have to just accept it.

I don’t want to ever accept it. But I must. Americans are spoiled and have NO IDEA how things are done in the rest of the world. We turn our heads because its Africa. I came here… because its Africa. America is rich and spoiled. I don’t want to be another spoiled American.

So today I got devastating news. I wanted to get in a dark place and question what I am doing here. How did I get to this place of problems? It’s the type of news that would send most people packing and on a plane to the States. But not me. Sara and Susan are an amazing support system and encourage me when all I should do is give up. So I didn’t.To them, and to God, all credit is given.

Note to self - # 2: People will disappoint me. But friends are more than people. And I need to make sure that I affirm them because my life is incomplete without them and they never disappoint.

The other volunteers here at Cradle of Love are amazing support also. Two are leaving tomorrow. The remaining three are leaving in a few weeks. So all six of us piled into a cab the size of a Toyota Corrolla (that’s 7 people with the driver!) and went to dinner in Arusha. Then we went to a place that can only be described as part Tiki, part café, part music lounge, and part traditional bar, which adds up to 100% WHAT I NEEDED THIS EVENING! I cannot describe this place other than saying that it is one of the coolest, most chill places I have ever been. It was filled with young volunteers, and young local residents. It was great. I absolutely loved it and absolutely needed it after the emotionally traumatizing morning I had. And I have to admit that much of our time out together was spent talking about the babies.

The above photos include two Germans, three Americans, one Dutch, and one Tanzanian. Its badventist approved and United Nations happy

~Shae

Compares to a quiet evening alone

Please watch the following video. It is even hard for me to believe that these little 15 lb. creatures can execute chores so diligently and precisely. Parents, I will NEVER again believe that your child is "too young." Rubbish.

I have clean clothes again. After 19 hrs of flying, three days of drool, snot, and food, and no shower, I was so happy to get out of my jeans and t shirt and into CLEAN clothes. Aaahhh.

Today I saw my life flash before my eyes in the form of a dala dala. The dala dala is a toyota van stuffed with (literally) 15 Africans, 1 German, and 1 American (that was me!). We went to a new market because the volunteers that are here are leaving soon and I will be all alone to figure things out. They want me to be used to the market and the culture. Its a lot to take in over such a short period of time. I wanted to take pictures, but have shied away from photos as I am still trying to "blend in." Yeah, right! I am 5'8" and I outweigh most of the men here. Oh, and I'm white. There's that.

We seem to only have internet in the middle of the night, so I need to put this away and go to sleep. Oh so tired. But babies need me so I must get my beauty rest!