And on the seventh day He rested.

Its sabbath afternoon for me here in Tanzania. My LAST sabbath afternoon in Tanzania. I have planned for this day, thought about this day, and arranged for this day in my head over and over... but now that its here, I just couldn't execute. Yes, its true that I am still recovering from flu and I'll even admit that I have jumped back into the mix too quickly. If I were home in the U.S., I would have stayed in bed for a few days and taken time off. But with my time winding down, there is far too much to do for me to take a few days off. But today, THE day among days... I just can't rally myself to do what I had planned. I didn't make it to church this morning. And there will be no playtime with the children out on a blanket in the yard. No photo shoots. No treats that I baked the night before. Nothing.

I am sitting here in my room, watching my favorite baby girl asleep on my lap, and typing this blog in hopes that I can slowly wrap my brain around the beauty of this day while dealing with the sadness that I feel in my heart. I know that coming here to Tanzania and serving at Cradle of Love is the best decision I have made in a long, long time. I know that my time here was not wasted... not for one second. I know that the children may not remember me, but that I made a positive impact on their lives. And that knowledge gives me comfort as I prepare to leave. It does. But having to physically pack my bags for home, to have to say goodbye to my amazing fellow volunteers and all these little children of whom I have fallen madly in love with is difficult. And it makes me question. Did I advocate hard enough for better care of the babies? Did I teach volunteers everything they need to sustain? Did I show enough love to the staff? Can I leave now when there is so much more to do? Do I come back? When? How? What will my friends at home say? I've asked for more than I deserved and I received more than I could have imagined... do I have the right to ask again?

And the questions continue...

But then I have to stop and take hold of the day. Because this day, THE DAY AMONG DAYS was created for me, by GOD, so that I could just reflect on Him and his greatness and leave the worry, the doubt, and the questions for tomorrow. He wove me into this moment, both for Cradle of Love and for myself. And I have no business doubting Him and his plans.

And so, I'll just lay this precious sleeping baby girl in my yet unpacked carry-on luggage. And I'll take a few hours to nap myself as I have a long, last week ahead of me. And I'll reread and share with you the promises from the Bible. God's wisdom comes through in the following passage from Isaiah 28.

"Listen to what I am saying; pay attention to what I am telling you. No farmer goes on constantly plowing his fields and getting them ready for sowing. Once he has prepared the soil, he sows the seed of herbs such as dill and cumin. He sows rows of wheat and barley and at the edges of his fields he sows other grain. He knows how to do his work, because God has taught him. He never uses a heavy club to beat out dill seeds or cumin seeds; instead he uses light sticks of the proper size. He does not ruin the wheat by threshing it endlessly, and he knows how to thresh it by driving a cart over it without bruising the grains, All this wisdom comes from the LORD Almighty. The plans God makes are wise, and they always succeed."

Until tomorrow.

~Shae

8 things that I miss from home (I'll be there soon!)

Brave Shae takes on driving for the first time in Tanzania!

1. Running water. Everyday.
2. Electricity. Also everyday.
3. Florida Hospital Church family.
4. Skittles
5. Traffic lights.
6. Susan working an "Office" reference into everyday conversation.
7. Employment.
8. Habaneros!

With only one week left, I have so much to do and so little time. However, instead of dwelling on the things that I'll miss about here (and there will be a list!) I am reminding myself of all that I look forward to at home. Its been a fast and amazing 6 months. This small segment of my life will forever be part of the story of who I was, who I am now, and who I will become. THANK YOU TO ALL MY AMAZING FRIENDS/FAMILY AT HOME. YOU ARE THE REASON I AM SUCCESSFUL. FROM CHURCH FRIENDS TO WORK FRIENDS, COLLEGE PALS AND LIFELONG BUDDIES, I MISS YOU ALL AND I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU OR HEAR YOUR VOICE WHEN I RETURN.

~Shae

P.S. The pictures are from last weekend when my director "forced" me to learn to drive in Tanzania! Do you have any idea how hard it is to drive a manual when everything is on the opposite of what you are used to!?!?!?!?! Including the oncoming traffic?!?!?!?!? I actually did a great job. By the third time driving, I was completely comfortable. THANK YOU Davona for pushing me into learning. I feel stupid that I resisted so long. Oh well. Shae masters driving in Tanzania? Check.

Its strange driving on the left side. Hope I don't cross the line!

When ABC meets C of L

With only two weeks left before I return to the United States I thought it would be fitting for me to introduce and give honor to some of the amazing young human beings I have met while here in Tanzania. They each have brought lightness and brightness to a heart that was turning dark. And to the remaining 30+ children of whom I haven’t mentioned by name, may it be known that they have made my life richer in ways that I couldn’t have even imagined.

Agnes You brought joy to me. You bring hope to anyone who doubts the future for true orphans.

Bahati You are a dimple faced wonder who deserves the mother you received.

Clara There is beauty behind those serious eyes.

Dotto You loved me first. I will love you last and always.

Elinipa You were MY first love and one never forgets their first love.

Florian A butterball of snuggly goodness.

Grace Your simple smile and soft coos melted my heart.

Happy You stirred up a part of my heart that had been dead for far too long. For that, I am eternally grateful. I’m yours. FOREVER. Your little hands, your little laugh, your little smile = one big happy Shae. To say I love you is not enough to express all that I feel for you.

Irene You came to us in distress and sadness but now all you give is love!

Jackson No little boy has been more loved by so many volunteers.

Kurwa You are the most beautiful child at Cradle and not for what we can see, but for what we still can’t.

Lazaro You are a prince and I hope I served you well.

Mark Big and beautiful!

Nancy Your smile and laugh are infectious.

Pendo You allowed me to love you and returned that love in loyalty. I have never cried or prayed over a child as much as I did you! And to have you choose to spend all your time with me as you grow and become stronger was all the thanks needed. I love you child. You are a gift.

Rahema You came at 8 days old and you warmed my heart even then.

Selemani Now I know what a toddler Fred Flintstone would have looked like running.

Tessa You are 1 of 3 but you are truly your own person.

Vicki You are more fun than any other toddler and you have the best smile!

Witness You have never asked for anything but have given me so much love.

Imani, Tumaini, na Upendo.

~Shae

Who's coming to dinner?

Per Wikipedia-

"Thanksgiving Day is a harvest festival celebrated primarily in the United States and Canada. Traditionally, it has been a time to give thanks for a bountiful harvest. "

So my Thanksgiving Day was celebrated on Sunday, November 21, 2010, in a little apartment in Usa River, Tanzania, AFRICA. The mood was positive, the excitement was high, as one little American tried to bring some harvest joy to the volunteers of Cradle of Love, Havilah, and ADRA. Who new that one little suggestion of "lets get together and do something for Thanksgiving" would turn into a feast for the masses! It was a labor of love that took much planning of menu, of shopping, of coordination of transport, and set up for so many. What started off as a little meal to feed a few turned into a giant feast to feed 12!

God really blessed as cooking commenced at 7:00 a.m. Sunday and didn't stop until the first bite was taken at 7:30 p.m.! It was a hard day of work that I would do a hundred times over. God blessed us with modern technology and kept the electricity on all day for cooking. The joy of gathering so many people together to cook, to talk, to sing, and to enjoy is one that I won't ever forget. Seven countries were represented in the 12 volunteers in attendance. It was a gathering that would make the United Nations proud! Enjoy the pictures.

I really got into cooking. Man, were my feet tired by the end of the day.

There was so much to prepare on such a small space.

Anika, Danielle, and I got involved with the pumpkin puree.

Danielle did an awesome job with the spices and puree mixture.

Anika's amazing dinner rolls. Thanks Ashulu for the recipe!

The masses gathered after the feast!

Only floor seating available. Not a bad thing.

With all those dishes, our poor sink couldn't keep up.

3/4 of a quad of women that have really made Cradle an amazing place to be!

Thank you Anika, Alison, Danielle, Dolly, Darren, Kezia, Jacky, Jordan, Rebekka, Ruth, and Simon for coming and making this day so wonderful!

A VERY SPECIAL NOTE TO SELF: "I will offer thanks, for what has been and what's to come."

~Shae

How YOU can help

Its 4:37 a.m. and I can't sleep.

There have been a few issues on my mind of which I feel much unrest. As much as it pains me to admit it, I realize that these issues cannot be resolved by me. It can only be resolved by you and God. So this is my open letter, my written invitation, my request for sanctuary as I lay these burdens down and let God work his wonders through you. My best resolve is that in your actions, or inaction, will be God's gentle answer to the prayers I have been sending His way. Thanks for your time. Thanks for your involvement. Thanks for your faithful support. Hopefully now I can sleep.

TO ALL MY LOCAL READERS: (Arusha, Usa River, and Moshi)

1) We have a little girl at Cradle who needs a family! A local woman in our community has requested that this precious little girl come live with her. However, this woman works full time and has other children at home. Additionally, our precious little girl has physical and mental special needs and requires SO MUCH. This amazing MOM says that she can take our special little girl if she can find help. She wants a "housewoman" who is mature, responsible, and physically capable of lifting, cleaning, feeding, and caring for our special girl while MOM is at work. Are you that capable person????? Do you know someone looking for work who has a heart for a little girl in need??? Please contact me and I can give you more details.

2) We have another special cradle child who needs a temporary family! This time, her special need only involves needing a "foster" family of sorts. She has become available for adoption but her new adoptive family needs a temporary home for her as they prepare for her arrival and start the adoption process. A christian home where the "temporary" family has a heart and understanding of the adoption process is all this child needs. Please contact me and I can give you more details.


TO ALL MY INTERNATIONAL READERS: (America, this is you too!)

There are A LOT of volunteers, student missionaries, and long term missionaries serving all over the world. They need your help. They need prayers. They need letters. AND THEY NEED MONEY! So many of you have gone out to eat multiple times this week... how much did you spend on that meal? How much have you spent on meals all month??? While you are going to see Harry Potter, your student missionary is working in a hospital with no gloves, or serving at an orphanage where there are no diapers or clean water. And what are you doing about it??? GIVE TO YOUR MISSIONARY! GIVE TO THEIR LOCATION OF SERVICE! There are labor wards all over the world who are losing babies everyday because they have no suction to clear the lungs of the a baby in distress. And your Harry Potter money would solve that problem and save a life. Give to your missionary, please. They are sacrificing their life for another. Its your turn to do the same. Thank you.

~ Shae (goes to sleep now. Sweet dreams everyone.)

Where, oh where has my little church gone?

I miss Florida Hospital Church. I miss the music. I miss the sermons. I miss people coming up to me-- of whom I don't know-- making polite conversation and telling me that they don't like my shoes. Oh wait. No. No. I don't like that!! To be fair, the shoe thing only happened once, but its ok. I miss it anyway! Yesterday, our Cradle of Love director treated a few of us by driving us to Arusha Vineyard church. This is a community of "foreigners and locals" who worship together in christian fellowship. It was so lovely as the music, the sermon, and the people were most similar to my church back in Orlando, Florida. Here are a few pictures of our day at church and afterward enjoying some lunch at Njiro.

This is Kezia and I in front of the new facility

This is the view from the porch of the new church


Someone's baby was VERY good and someone's baby was NOT

Sweet Happy / Sleepy Happy

First time eating store bought baby food. He loved it

I think she loved the lid more than the food!

These two really enjoyed their day together

And on a related sidenote...I need some thoughts and prayers. Really, I just need God. The sermon at the Vineyard church was actually done by the children's department and it was on the topic of Prayer. Prayer: What it is, what it isn't, how we do it, how we listen, and accepting God's answers of YES, MAYBE, and NO.

I'm currently asking God and I need to hear His YES, His NO, or His MAYBE. The details aren't important at this moment as I need His answer to make the decisions and share with the world. But the need for Him, the need for His guidance, and the need to ACCEPT His decision is where my heart is in trouble. I just need. And I think only HE can supply my need.

Clear eyes. Full hearts.

~Shae

NOTE TO SELF # 13 - Its ok to not know what to do. Its not ok to do nothing.

Why you should know about the Nyange Church

Do you remember anything about 1994? Specifically the spring of 1994? I do. There was this little movie coming out-- Forest Gump! Can you believe it was that long ago??? 1994 was the year of Green Day and Wheezer. And JORDAN CATALANO! Oh my goodness! Remember "My so-called life?" I loved that show. And MTV when "the Real World" was good! Bill Clinton was President and I'm pretty sure that the Monica Lewinsky scandal had already begun. But truly, I don't remember, exactly, and I'm sure that I didn't care anyway. Life was good for a Tennessee girl. All was right with the world... or was it?

On April 15, 1994, Americans were all aflutter with filing their taxes on time and complaining about Uncle Sam. On the nightly news that evening, I'm sure the headlines were about federal spending and "this American life". However, half-way around the world-- if anyone had bothered to notice-- 2,000 Rwandans were being annihilated by other Rwandans. A GLOBAL atrocity was underway. And no one was doing anything about it. Please hang with me a moment to explain.

Just under two weeks ago, me and two other volunteers traveled into Arusha to attend the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda. It was an amazing and eye opening experience as we listened to the testimony of one witness about the events leading up to the killings of 2,000 Rwandan Tutsis at Nyange Church. These people sought refuge at their local Catholic parish and were turned over by their very priest to be exterminated. The cold, callous, and calculating way in which the witness described his involvement with the massacre at Nyange Parish on 15 April and 16 April, 1994 was disturbing.

"We tried many things to bring the people out. But they didn't all die. We used the normal things to kill... you know... machetes and grenades. But then after we were VERY tired from all of our work [of killing] and had to get home for food and drink. I was very thirsty. Its a long day, you know?"

Ok, I have to confess that I put his words in quotes... but I may not have gotten it exact. However the sentences about food and drink ... that was direct. I was emotionally moved at how much he stressed the importance of having enough food and getting drinks after the corporate killing events of the 15th and 16th. The biggest surprise came in the midst of all of this "drink" talk when he casually slipped in "and on the way to the parish, I killed two Tutsi myself." Um, what?

The defense attorney asked "as far as you recall, do you know the identities of those two that you murdered?" And his response, "Oh, I'm not sure that I can remember... a young child and a woman. I think her name was Analise. But how could I possibly know the child?"

My heart stopped beating.

Defense attorney: "so you cannot recall the name of the child?"
Witness: "No."
Defense attorney: "can you recall the name of any of your victims and child victims?"
Witness: "Not all. How could I? And don't ask me to tell you where the head of the child from the last trial is! I told you then that I cannot possibly know and if I did know where the head of that leaders child is, all the other accomplices would have said. So don't even ask me! (in reference to a previous trial where a Tutsi political leader 's child was killed, according to the internet, to make a point).

My heart stopped beating again.

We've all heard the stories of Rwanda. Actually, sadly, many Americans HAVEN'T heard the stories of Rwanda. But instead of hearing the "big picture story", I got to witness the story of one location, of one group of people, and of one sinister man who valued his "drink" more than he valued people of his own community. At one point, as the attorneys were referencing the children killed at the Nyange Parish, my mind raced back to Cradle of Love. All my babies. All my beautiful, innocent, gorgeous babies. All made up of different villages, of different tribes, and of different circumstances. How different their lives would be if they lived just a few hundred miles to the west... Rwanda. How could anyone kill CHILDREN over tribal differences? I was totally emotional.

I am unable to take pictures at the tribunal as it is a real courtroom with real security. But I was able to pull some stock photos from the United Nations media library. Three of the judges in this picture were on the bench the day we visited and we were able to hear them speak.

This is a stock picture of the outside of the tribunal. The building is HUGE but houses other offices and businesses in Arusha. Its one of the larger buildings in the city.

Everyday in America, we are told of the atrocities around the world but we don't really listen. The amount of people killed between 1 January, 1994, and 31 December, 1994, would encompass all residents of Orange County, Florida (ORLANDO- for our international readers). So, why do you need to know about the 2,000 Rwandans who lost their lives on April 15 and April 16, 1994?????

We need to know so that American taxes, Wheezer, and Forest Gump are never a higher priority than protecting the lives and human rights of people a world away!

Something to think about.

Clear eyes. Full hearts. CAN'T LOSE.

~Shae